DOUBLE FEATURE MOVIE REVIEW: Dead & Rotting (2002) and Stitches (2001)

The Powers That Be over at CHC must be slipping because this double feature DVD offered movies that actually weren’t that bad. I mean, I kind of liked them. I don’t think I know how to live right now…

The first film is Dead & Rotting. Three prankster buddies (read: douche nozzles) get a little hex put on them when they beat up the son, Pox, of a local witch, Abigail, after he eggs one of their trucks. Since they have the combined mentality of one 12 year old boy, they feel the need to retaliate. When the stoners they hire to break into the witch’s home end up BOILING HER FUCKING CAT (what the hell is wrong with these guys?), the three amigos end up with something a little more problematic on their hands than a simple hex. They incur the wrath of a very powerful sorceress who is about to seriously fuck their shit up but good.

Abigail performs a glamour spell to turn herself into a beautiful, young, big-tittied woman (Debbie Rochon) who seduces the three men in order to…well…let’s just say the unprotected sex between all of them gets her some fluids she needs to birth out ghouls. PLEASE DON’T ASK ANY MORE QUESTIONS.

(Side note: they’re all excited about having unprotected sex with some random chick who’s willing to fuck all of them in one night. Is that really a thing? Men are so stupid sometimes.)

The ghouls then do her bidding in capturing the three friends so she can get her revenge. 

Movie Review: Caesar & Otto's Deadly Xmas (2012; MVD Visual/Wild Eye Releasing)

...(...Christmas, in the Summer...heck, why not?? Christmas horror movies, in the Summer...oh, hell yes!! Besides, we did this last year, with 2012's "Christmas with the Dead", and as I recall, it was a deliciously chilling and comical hoot, remember??)...

...so, how do you like your horror?? A straight up, balls-to-the-walls, over-the-top, freight-trained splatterfest, which give cause to want to take a shower, afterwards?? Subtle, creepy, unnerving and uncomfortable..the kind of horror that chills to the bone, even in a hot & sweltering movie auditorium, where the air conditioning is broken down (...oh, glory be, those good ol' bygone grindhouse theater days)?? Or do you relish a brand of horror that's darkly humored, with a deftly applied, mischievously severed tongue firmly in cheek...the kind of horror that elicits more a maniacal cackle, than a belly laugh, amidst the gratuitous bloodspray and the waywardly rampant rendering of free-flying flesh & limbs?? As far as the latter genre flavor, we've definitely seen some great ones...from Sam Raimi to Edgar Wright...from Don Coscarelli to Peter Jackson...and many others. Balanced comical moments, to temper the onslaught of scares, shocks and gore...laughing fearlessly (...or at least putting up a good front) in the face of gruesome, sometimes monstrous horror. Yes indeed, folks...in truth, and in a twisted way, horror is really not all that removed from comedy...in fact, one might say that they're complementary of each other, like the perfect ice cream, paired up with the ideal (...and blood rare) meat & potatoes. Point in case...

Movie Review: As Night Falls (2013, Breaking Glass/Vicious Circle Films)

...you've heard it all before, but it just has to be put out there, once again...Man, what's with kids, these days?? I mean...really, huh?? You painfully bring them kicking and screaming into this world...you reluctantly, though devotedly cater to their deliberating infant needs...you tolerate, and sometimes cater to their self-serving 'gimmee, gimmee, gimmee", if at the very least, just to keep them quiet...you lavish and spoil them with baubles and toys and things, only to have them reciprocate with wanting eyes of 'more, more, more' and 'is that all there is'...you begin to sound not unlike a vocally rapid-fire tobacco auctioneer, impatiently and frustratingly calling after the child, with '...no, no, No, No, NO!! NO!!' and '...come here, here, Here, Here, HERE!! HERE!!' and '...stop it, stop it, Stop It, Stop It, STOP IT!! STOP IT!!' Like, where's the gratitude, right?? It's not a wonder, that some parents go absolutely batshit crazy (...well, they do, right?), take a sharpened axe in hand (...well, they DO, right??), and in terrorizing and relentlessly barnstorming pursuit, take matters into their own hands, in...in...uh, let's just say 'taking care of business'...even well into a ghostly afterlife. As ludicrous and horrifically excessive as such a scenario sounds, in the interim...and although no specific reason is afforded the viewers of 2013's "As Night Falls", as to why the crazed and enraged spectral parent protagonists are crazily unabashed in violently snuffing out their child, even on a ghostly ethereal plane...our wayward observers, our cast of characters, herein these ghastly proceedings, just might serve the situation best, by either staying out of the way, and letting things take their course...or standing their ground, and fighting. What do they do, you ask?? As that guy on that old game show once anticipatorily shouted out, "...survey says...?!!"...

Movie Review: Rudyard Kipling's Mark of the Beast (2012)

Directed by Jonathan Gorman, Thomas Edward Seymour
Starring Ellen Muth, Debbie Rochon and Margaret Rose Champagne
Run Time: 72 minutes

When one thinks of Rudyard Kipling the first thing’s that usually comes to mind are the wild-boy Mowgli, his friend Baloo the bear and the classic children's story The Jungle Book. What a lot of people don't know (myself included before seeing this movie), is that Kipling also wrote some pretty dark little short stories, among them the one that this movie is based on.

Movie Review: Hack Job (2011)

I know it's tough to make an independent horror film. I've been a part of that process. Horror is the one genre that people will watch at the no budget level, so it's where most people seem to start. The problem with this is that it stacks the horror section with crap, floor to ceiling. Hack Job starts off acting like it intended for this movie to be pure shit, but I don't believe it. I think it really was supposed to be good, and the filmmakers took an easy out.

Buy Hack Job on DVD

Our filmmakers start off by killing an indie art film director. They complain that horror doesn't get its due. They go on for the rest of the movie proving the naysayers right. The duo gets a script from Satan that's supposed to be the greatest horror film ever. As we find out, the three stories in the anthology turn out to be fairly worthless.

Movie Review: Demon Divas and The Lanes of Damnation (Happy Cloud Pictures, 2010)

Reviewed by Kenny Barnwell

Written and Directed by Mike Watt

Starring Nikki McCrea, Sofiya Smirnova and a bunch of other people who will probably thank me for not mentioning their names in the review.

Plot~ 2 nerdy college girls work in a bowling alley that happens to be owned by 5 girls who happen to be.....Demon Divas. The nerdy girls are constantly picked on by a group of mean sorority chicks. Lisa (Nikki McCrea) has the hots for Johnny (Aaron Bernard) while her roomate Taffy (Sofiya Smirnova) just wants to be part of the sorority. Sorority girl Rochelle (Stephanie Bertoni) want Johnny for herself.

Buy Demon Divas on DVD or Watch It Instantly

Movie Review: The Life of Death

I have been following Kevin Lindenmuth’s career since his first film, “Vampires and Other Stereotypes.” He is something of a pioneer, being one of the first guys to take advantage of digital technology to make very personal low end horror films and get them into video stores world wide. I’ve always respected him, his work, his drive and his dedication.

In recent years he seems to have concentrated on talking head documentaries, like “But You Look So Well,” which dealt with multiple sclerosis. His new documentary, “The Life of Death,” may be his most personal work yet: an examination of death as seen through the eyes of people directly involved in genre films and literature. It’s an odd and slim premise (implying that people involved in the horror genre have some special relationship with the idea of mortality), and reaches no real conclusions, but remains gripping and fascinating throughout – no small feat for a talking heads film with a running time of 117 minutes!