Cinematic Hell: The Crippled Masters (1979)

by Hal Astell

Director: Kei Law

Stars: Chen Mu Chuan, Jackie Conn and Frankie Shum

BUY THE CRIPPLED MASTERS ON DVD

Any martial arts movie that begins with a horrific cry and a severed arm falling onto the ground can't be too bad, right? Well think again, this one is as bad as you could imagine, albeit bad in the most fun way possible. There are bad films that are endurance tests and there are bad films that are joys to behold: think Manos: The Hands of Fate and Plan 9 from Outer Space as the epitomes of the two. This certainly falls into the latter category because it's a real guilty pleasure. If you thought The Terror of Tiny Town was politically incorrect, how about this little gem from Taiwan, shot in Hong Kong, that features as its two stars an actor with no arms and an actor with shrivelled legs, who team up to become a killing machine. Well, why not? It's just like a version of Transformers with cripples instead of robots.

Movie Review: Deadly Blessing (1981)

Directed by Wes Craven

Reviewed by Greg Goodsell

After Martha (Maren Jensen) movies with her husband John (Jeff East) to live at his country estate, the couple gets a chilling reception from the nearby Amish-like sect the Hittites. Her husband has been cast out from the sect, and his unforgiving father and sect leader Isaiah (Ernest Borgnine) refers to Martha as an “incubus.”

Buy Deadly Blessing from Amazon UK!

Investigating a noise in the barn, John is killed after an unseen hand turns on his tractor, crushing him. His death written off as a freak accident, Martha’s longtime gal pals Vicky (Susan Buckner) and Lana (a young Sharon Stone) arrive at the country home to show their support. The girls all chip in to do their part by wearing as little as possible in order to inflame all the nearby Hittite men. The women’s only nearby friends are Louisa (Lois Nettleton) and her quirky daughter Faith (Lisa Hartman) who hate the Hittites as much as they do – but for different reasons.

Movie Review: Mind of the Demon (2009)

Directed by Adam Barker

Starring Larry Linkogle, Christian Fletcher, Trigger Gumm

Mind of the Demon is Adam Barkers look into the incredible life of freestyle motocross legend Larry Linkogle. Before learning how to read or write, Linkogle was on a motorcycle. Even at a young age it was apparent he was destined for greatness in the world of supercross. He rose quickly through the ranks to become one of the top riders but as the sport evolved he began to rebel against the rigid rules and lifestyle the sponsors wanted to impose on him. Fed up with the direction he saw the sport going to, he along with a few friends set out to create a new sport, and the high-stakes, often death-defying world of freestyle motocross was born. As the sport rose in popularity and sponsorship began to take over the scene, Linkogle again began to feel disillusioned, and after an accident that cost him his spleen, he begins to lose a battle against pain-killers and eventually ends up completely alienated from friends and family as he dives into a life of hard drugs and violent crime. Later with the help of friends, he gets clean and is given another shot at glory in the form of an incredible world record long distance jump which he pulls off in front of 60,000 Australian motocross fans, skyrocketing him to fame once again and legendary status.

Buy Mind of the Demon on DVD

Six Degrees of Cheese: Christmas Break

'Tis the season for blinky lights, family fights and stress over money. I completely understand. This year, like the one before it, is filled with economic strife for many of us. Thankfully, we can escape into films that show us better or maybe even more exciting holiday experiences than our own. I'm not an inclusive "Happy Holidays" person. I'm an Atheist, so I don't really give a shit what you celebrate. I'm calling this the top holiday films because they aren't all centered specifically around Christmas. In fact, they aren't your typical holiday fare. They do, however, take place during the holiday season. Mainly, these are films that I think will take your mind off the usual holiday headaches.

Read on past the top six to see a list of honorable mentions as well as overrated holiday films to avoid. And on we go to jingling your bells.

Movie Review: Devil’s Kiss (aka The Wicked Caresses of Satan, La perversa caricia de Satán, 1975)

Directed by Georges Gigo

Reviewed by Greg Goodsell

Medium Claire Grandler (Elvira lookalike Silvia Solar) harbors a longtime grudge against the De Hassenmont family for driving her husband Philip to suicide. Accompanied by her mad scientist friend, Professor Gruber (as Oliver Matthau) she befriends the Baron De Hassenmont by holding a séance at one of his many deliciously dull castle soirees.

Buy The Devil's Kiss on DVD from Amazon UK!

The Baron invites the pair to stay on at the castle to continue their research into the black arts and telepathy, rent free. Huh? De Hassenmont can’t be all that bad, but Claire as we shall soon learn is a vindictive little minx. Befriending a perverted dwarf, Claire and the professor reanimate a mutilated corpse – a skinny chap with facial scars – who strangles the baron. Very shortsighted, Claire and the professor now face the prospect of sleeping under bridges without their benevolent host, but never fear – the baron’s cheesecake photographer nephew steps in and allows them to stay on anyway. The hulking monster comes back to life to strangle the castle’s frequently naked chambermaid, in addition to a few other hapless souls who stumble into the castle at the wrong time before the cops arrive.

Movie Review: George: A Zombie Intervention (2011)

Directed by J.T. Seaton

Starring Peter Stickles, Michelle Tomlinson and Lynn Lowry

Reviewed By Kenny Barnwell

Plot~ The film starts out with an elementary school educational film about how a red star comes to earth and releases spores into the atmosphere, which are inhaled and lay dormant in the lungs until those infected die, at which time the dead become zombies. But not all zombies are bad, kids! Most can lead normal productive lives, go to work and support their families. But there are those others, who,shall we say......have self-control issues. And George is one of those, he just cant keep from indulging in the socially inappropriate behavior of hacking, slashing or chopping people up and dining on their juiciest parts. His friends and family are at their wits-end and decide to stage an intervention with the help of a rookie interventionist. The first part of the intervention is unsuccessful as George is resistant and resentful (as most addicts are at the beginning) so they decide to take a little break so that everyone can regroup. And that is when all hell breaks loose as Georges growling stomach starts to get the best of him and the body parts start to pile up. The intervention then becomes a game of survival for his best friend and ex-girlfriend.

Buy George: A Zombie Intervention on DVD

Movie Review: Crime of Love, aka Delitto d'amore (1974)

Review by Greg Goodsell

Despite its ties to Italy's high fashion industry, the city of Milan is an unremittingly bleak industrial stretch of real estate. Tourists to Italy are routinely warned away from visiting there, but it is at one of Milan's many factories that two young people of highly divergent backgrounds meet and fall in love. He, Nullo (Giuliano Gemma) is pragmatic, political and intellectual, a product of a strong northern Italian family. She, Carmella (Stefania Sandrelli) is a passionate, flighty girl, the product of a desperately poor southern Italian family who has migrated to Milan in search of work. The two don't exactly “meet cute.” Nullo confronts Carmela at the time clock when he spots her fleeing the factory in tears. Carmella later confesses that she was crying because she knew that Nullo would never fall in love with her. Despite this unpromising beginning, the two fall desperately in love amidst all the carbon emissions of the perpetually clanging factory.

Buy Crime of Love on DVD

Cinema Head Cheese: The Podcast! #25 - The Underdogs

Kevin takes the show solo as Jeff chimes in from an undisclosed location.

Kevin reviews My Stepdad's a Freakin' Vampire and Worst in Show. He then explains why The League isn't really about fantasy football, and why it's so good.

He then leads us into a Q&A session with Revenge of the Nerds star Robert Carradine.

Click here to listen or right click and choose "Save Link As..." to download.

Click on any of the links above to purchase at Amazon.com and support Cinema Head Cheese and Abnormal Entertainment!

Movie Review: Cave Of Forgotten Dreams 3D (2011, IFC Films)

It's documentary time here at the Cheese and today it's none other than legendary German director Werner Herzog's recent feature Cave Of Forgotten Dreams that's on the menu. Five years after the release of Herzog's critically acclaimed Grizzly Man, the filmmaker has taken the focus from exploring the life of bear-loving activist Timothy Treadwell to the exploration of the stunning Chauvet Caves of Southern France.

Buy Cave of Forgotten Dreams on Blu-ray or DVD

Movie Review: Monamour/ Kick The Cock (Blu-ray, 2005, 2010)

Before I start my review of Cult Epics' Blu-ray release of Tinto Brass' Monamour and Kick The Cock I'd like to open with a quote from a very famous musical artist : "I like big butts and I cannot lie" ~ Sir Mix-A-Lot. Yes, it's true, I do, and that's why the Picasso of the Posterior, Tinto Brass ( Salon Kitty, Cheeky, Caligula) is one of my heroes. Cult Epics has taken the time and effort to put some of Tinto's finer more recent efforts in Hi-Definition. Here's a look at their two-disc Blu-ray release of Monamour and Kick The Cock.

Get Monamour and Kick the Cock 2-Disc Blu-ray

Movie Review: Santa's Slay (2005)

Ready for Day 2 of the David Hayes 12 Days of Christmas Crap Review-a-Palooza? I don’t think you are. I wasn’t ready for this movie. No one was ready for this movie.

On the second day of Christmas the Head Cheese gave to me… two swift punches in the gonads, which is like watching this movie.

Imagine you are in the Middle Ages and a cool cat named St. Nicholas is helping people with food and shelter, coming to them on the holiday to provide solace and gifts for the poor children. That’s pretty slick. Flash forward five hundred years, to 1950, and the idea of St. Nicholas, now called Santa Claus, is a major institution. He is the symbol of hope for millions of children and even the Coca Cola Company’s perversion of the jolly elf’s image as a corporate shill isn’t too bad. I mean, if Norman Rockwell did it, it’s American, right? A scant 50 or so years later, and Santa Claus is turned into a mumbling demon that drives an ox, played by ex-professional wrestler Goldberg. Welcome to Santa’s Slay, my friends.

Buy Santa's Slay on DVD!

Movie Review: House of the Damned (15th Anniversary Edition, 1996)

Directed by Sean Weathers

Starring~ Valerie Alexander, Blue and Illa

Reviewed By Kenny Barnwell

Plot~The film opens with an old man in a wheelchair telling his son a story about an evil woman who kills those around her in order to stay young. The man doesn’t believe the story and begins to leave. From out of the closet bursts the woman wielding a hammer, and smashes his skull in. A year later, the murdered mans daughter Liz (Valerie Alexander) is having a difficult time adjusting. She doesn’t leave the house much, still grieving. Her mother Emily (Monica Williams) gets her out to enjoy a day, her birthday. To be more exact, her 21st birthday. Unknowing to Liz, her mother invites all her friends over for a birthday party.

Buy House of the Damned on DVD

Movie Review: The Horror Vault 3 (2010)

by Hal Astell

Directors: Kim Sønderholm, Johan A. Krueger, David C. Hayes, John Scott Mills, James Barclay and Dave Holt

Stars: Too Many to Count

Buy The Horror Vault 3 on DVD

If the four features I reviewed this last week are anything to go by, distributor R Squared Films is sure to be moving on up the ladder. Three were little gems, despite inexperienced filmmakers and low budgets, and the fourth wasn't far behind. I left The Horror Vault 3 until last though, as it's a anthology and such creatures are often hit and miss affairs. In literature it's traditional for an editor to set a theme, have writers submit pieces and then select a couple of dozen of the best to frame an anthology around. The variety is a selling point and there's usually a gem or two to be found in and amongst the rest. In movies, that couple of dozen tends to shrink down to a small number of short films, and differences in quality become massively apparent. I'd seen two of the five shorts in this set before and liked both of them, though I couldn't think of a single thing that they shared that would warrant their inclusion in the same anthology.

Movie Review: Bite Marks (2011)

I've said it many times, but I've had my fill of vampire movies.Hell, I've had my fill of vampire TV, costumes and thoughts. I can't even eat Count Chocula anymore. When Bite Marks ended up at my house, I wasn't too excited about it. First strike was the vampire thing, of course. The second strike was that it was presented as a gay vampire movie with the tagline "Wrong On So Many Levels." It had nothing to do with homophobia. I don't possess that trait. The problem was that I expected horrible over-the-top stereotypes. Unfortunately for the filmmakers, this movie is marketed completely wrong.

Buy Bite Marks on DVD

Movie Review: Erotic Escape (1985, One 7 Movies)

Reviewed By Travis G.

Wow, when I saw this DVD cover I was like "Hot Damn". ONE 7 Movies a new DVD company which is always a good thing especially these days. And even more so when they are releasing some fun and different titles.  It has a nice bold cover  (Censored though but I guess it’s easier to get it in stores and such) then on the back of the DVD cover it reads..“Erotic Escape is a long lost guilty pleasure available for the first time in DVD. Directed by Nello Rossati of the Sensuous Nurse fame, the film features lots of nudity and over the top violence. Drenched with in mud with nothing to cover her breathtaking body, Eleonora Vallone runs for her life and gets laid to to kill!” HOT DAMN!!! I’m ready to get my perv on….

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Gore Reaches "Guinness Book of World Records" Proportions With Vicious Circles' "The Summer Of Massacre"!

November 29, 2011 - Philadelphia, PA — Breaking Glass Pictures/Vicious Circle Films has announced the January 10 Blu-Ray/DVD release of the horrifying gore fest The Summer of Massacre (SRP $29.99 Blu-Ray/ DVD $24.99). The Summer of Massacre sends viewers on a tour through the mind of madness, as multiple killers strive to create the biggest and bloodiest body count imaginable. Featuring 8 killers in 5 carnage-drenched stories, The Summer of Massacre lives up to its name with the highest body count ever recorded in a film by The Guinness Book of World Records.

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Movie Review: Best Worst Movie (2010)

A smiling dentist named George Hardy starts his day with a protein shake. He gets off to work, where he's seen as more of a friend than a boss. Everyone in his small Alabama town loves his personality and his vibrancy, including his ex-wife. He helps the local kids who can't get dental care, and he's just a really happy and confident guy. What most of his neighbors don't realize is that George has an interesting bit of personal history. He was co-star of one of the worst movies ever made.

Buy Best Worst Movie on DVD

Hardy plays father to Michael Stephenson, the real star of the film. Stephenson thought he would be a star, until he saw the movie one Christmas morning. He knew immediately that this was a bad movie. So did Hardy and many of the other stars once they saw it, and they all saw their acting dreams go up in smoke. Almost two decades later, Stephenson started to see something happen. Troll 2 was becoming a cult phenomenon.

Movie Review: Spy Kids: All The Time In The World (2011, Blu-ray)

Reviewed By James DePaolo

In 2001, Robert Rodriguez set out to make a junior league James Bond film intended for kids. It followed the Cortez family, who were a family of spies. Using gadgets that were more Inspector Gadget inspired, than James Bond. I admit I had a good time with the first film. By the time, it got to the third. You can tell the ideas were just getting tired and inspiration was more like a lazy retread of the other two films. The title fit it right. Game Over.

Buy Spy Kids: All the Time in the World on Blu-ray or DVD

Movie Review: Haunted Changi (2010, Seminal Films)

Directed by Andrew Lau

Starring~ Farid Azlam, Sheena Chung, Audi Khalis

Plot~ A group of local paranormal investigators/filmmakers begin exploring the famously haunted Changi Hospital in Singapore in the hopes of recording real paranormal phenomena. They interview locals looking for insight into the hospitals history and one of the investigators becomes obsessed with finding a Chinese girl supposedly living in the ruins of the hospital, on the run from her pimp. They start their investigation alongside another group of ghost hunters but quickly find themselves alone, the others packing their shit and splitting after the first sign of something weird going down. They spend the rest of the night filming various shadow creatures and ghostly samurai wielding soldiers.

Buy Haunted Changi on DVD

Movie Review: Santa With Muscles (1996)

Welcome to the first annual, Cinema Head Cheese Presents: The David Hayes 12 Days of Christmas Crap Review-a-Palooza! All right, Cheesers, the plan is for me to write a hilarious review of a horrible holiday movie every day for the next 12 days. We’ll see how well this works, my eyes and ears may look like a bowl of figgy pudding by the end of this, but the plan is in motion and there is no better way to kick this off than with the 24 inch pythons, brother!

On the first day of Christmas, the Head Cheese gave to me… douchebaggery.

I still don’t know how someone thought this was a good idea. There had to have been an investor to put up the millions of dollars that it took to make this. There then had to be a writer to buy into the idea. A director would then sign on. Finally, this movie signed itself a star. A great big star. A star whose light burned so brightly that not even blind people are safe from this film. Of course, I’m speaking of the former WWF World Heavyweight Champion, slammer of giants, father of the incomparably untalented Brooke Hogan and facilitator of underage drunk driving accidents. That’s right, folks, the producers of Santa With Muscles got themselves a real live superstar. The orange golem himself, Hulk Hogan.

Buy Santa With Muscles on DVD!