Frankenstein vs Dracula (aka Assignment Terror) 1970 - Movie Review

There’s no way in hell I’m going to enjoy this movie to the point of singing its praises, or commending its production value, acting, makeup, f/x, plot, etc. There’s…just no fucking way.

Spoiler Alert I: I was right.

SPOILER ALERT II: I’m probably going to spoil plot lines and twists so if you haven’t seen it, stop reading, go watch the film, then come back.

Frankenstein vsDracula (aka Assignment Terror) is the most convoluted, ridiculous film I’ve watched in a while. Plot description on IMDB: After an alien convinces a werewolf, Dracula, Mummy, and Frankenstein’s monster (at least they got that right) to help him destroy the earth, all hell breaks loose.

And this is absolutely NOT the plot.

Well, it is and it isn’t. The basics are kinda there. What’s going on is a superior (in their minds) alien race is dying. They need to find a new planet. They decide on Earth but wouldn’t you know it, it’s filled with earthlings. So they plan to exploit mankind’s foolish superstitions and fears (you know, monsters and shit) in order to dominate them or destroy them completely.

Sure, they could blow up the entire human race with nukes, but they need the planet intact. Otherwise, they’ll have no place to colonize. Duh. And despite the fact they’ve already got a shit ton of agents and spies in place on Earth, the success of this particular mission will decide if they end up calling Earth home or they die out completely.

And you’re going with this whole scary monster thing, huh? Okay then…

The three main aliens working on this RIDICULOUS plan are Dr. Odo Warnoff (the most condescending of the trio), Dr. Maleva Kerstein, and Dr. Kerian. Because the aliens are soooo superior to humans, they don’t have to worry about becoming influenced by their puny fears and emotions. So the aliens are incarnated into existing human bodies. And since they know that beautiful women are like powerful magnets, they’ll use the buxom beauties to attract statesmen, scientists, and generals, then steal all their vital secrets.

I’m sure that’ll work out just great for you.

OMG! BTS is coming in concert next summer!

They find an actual vampire, werewolf, mummy, and Farancksalan’s monster (no, I’m not kidding). Their big plan is to use a mind control device on each one, turning them into willing slaves to the aliens, while the aliens use the monsters’ blood to create clones that will destroy mankind.

Fortunately for us Earthlings, the cops figure out what the hell is going on and thwart the alien takeover, after a few epic monster battles, of course. HUMANS: 1; ALIENS: 0

 

Normally I would delve into further details of the film, scene by scene. But honestly, I can’t be bothered. It’s not really worth anyone’s time to stare into the abysmal nature of this movie. But I can discuss a few elements.

1. I really enjoyed Paul Naschy, who played – you guessed it – his iconic role as the werewolf, Waldemar Daninsky. He was the only monster given a fully developed backstory, and the years of Naschy playing this exact character backs it up. He’s really one of the few characters that the viewer can get behind and root for. Any completist Naschy fans out there will probably want to watch this, just for Waldemar.
2. The makeup for the mummy is the best of all the monsters. Looks very realistic, and not just a bunch of latex and toilet paper mushed together to create the appearance of a desiccated corpse.
3. There was slight character development with Inspector Tobermann. He takes on the brunt of the investigation, falls in love, starts to get overstressed with monster hallucinations, and gets to have all the human-on-monster fights in the film. He also had some fun banter with his boss. I’m not saying I gave a shit about anything he did, but at least the writer tried. Guess who the writer was? Paul Naschy. Hmmm, that could explain why the werewolf got so much play…

 

Beyond these few things, the movie was a pile of nonsensical idiocy. We never come back to the idea of beautiful women stealing secrets from powerful men; aliens hammer on the idea of how superior they are but become susceptible to human emotion and fuck up their mission, in a completely surprising and not predictable in any way turn of events; the high mucky mucks in the police force immediately believe the story of aliens using monsters to destroy the world. Naschy missed a huge opportunity to explore that aspect to create tension.

The music never fit any scene it was used in. The editing was choppy at best, migraine inducing at worst, and made transitions so muddled that I couldn’t be sure we had moved on to a brand-new scene until 30 seconds after the cut. Most of the special effect makeup was terrible, particularly for Fetasalad’s monster. It looks like someone put a hat box on his head and painted over it.

Here, watch me do my Dirty Harry impression.

I did like that Waldemar’s character had the most backstory, but some of it seems rather convenient just to be able to give credence to monsterkind in general by explaining how a high-ranking judge crossed paths with the werewolf years earlier. With that, and more intricate coincidences, made the rest of the monsters shallow and unimportant. But again, Naschy wrote the story and the screenplay.

By the time we reach the conclusion, complete with alien lab explosion, and our cop hero philosophizing out loud for the benefit of us all, the story has become so convoluted and overflowing with minutia, the viewer feels dissatisfied, empty, and probably pissed at losing 90 minutes of their life they can never get back.

1 hatchet (out of 5)

P.S. I don’t know why this was ever titled Frankenstein vs Dracula because 1) Dracula isn’t the vampire in this movie; and 2) the werewolf and Frank keep duking it out, for reasons unexplained.

 

 

 

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Cinema Head Cheese: Podshort! - A Quiet Place (2018)

John Krasinski writes, directs, and stars with real life wife Emily Blunt in this tension-filled horror thriller.

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Movie Review: Muckman (2009)

While I’m not entirely convinced I’ve not incurred the wrath of someone over at Cinema Head Cheese, I have to say this latest film was not all that shitty. So that gives me hope.

Muckman is the story of a disgraced reality show host, Mick. While trying to prove the existence of a mythical monster, he was exposed as a fraud. Now he’s got a new idea, though not really because it’s just the same shit as before. But the station producer wants proof of a REAL monster, not some crap legend. 

His new crew, and the hot reporter chick from his original show who is a raging diva beeyotch, road trip out to Pennsylvania to find proof of The Muckman, a local legend. After meeting their contact, Hobbs, they go in search of the elusive creature.

Unbeknownst to the new crew, everyone else is in on yet another hoax. They set up ‘proof’ around the forest of Muckman’s existence. Though one member of the crew, Billie, is a hell of a lot smarter than the rest of these bozos and can see through the set-up, it turns out the Muckman might not be such a hoax after all.

You’re shocked, I know. But it’s not just the Muckman these yahoos have to worry about. Something else is lurking in the marshes of Muckman territory.

Nope, not joking.

Movie Review: The Jungle (2013)

Directed by Andrew Traucki


Movie Review by Greg Goodsell

Ugly, boring sleeve art designed to look good on a Redbox menu. STRIKE ONE. Turns out that the film at hand was "the last anyone saw of these people,” i.e., yet another found footage fright film. STRIKE TWO. Wait a minute, it's set in Indonesia, and hasn't this reviewer thoroughly enjoyed all the horror and fantasy films emanating from this part of Southeast Asia? Give it a go, then?

Australian conservationist Larry (Rupert Reid) is headed out to the wilds of Indonesia in order to track and preserve the endangered Java leopards. Taking his unseen photographer Ben along, the two Aussies are later accompanied by two natives, the superstitious Adi (Igusti Budianthika) and the stern and taciturn Budi (Agoes Widjaya Soedjarwo).

Deep into the rainforest, the four intrepid adventurers begin to find the partially devoured remains of the leopards … could it be the fearsome forest demon the villagers fear? There's lot and lots and LOTS of shaky, hand-held footage of walking through the jungle. “Wait! What's that peering at us from the darkness?”

The viewer waits for something original to happen – but is treated to a scene-by-scene recap of the original Blair Witch Project (1999). Bummer! At least the Paranormal Activity series include at least a couple original scenes in each installment … In fact, this stinkers so slavishly copies Blair Witch – it concludes with the discovery of a mysterious structure found in the middle of nowhere before everyone gets killed, it's a wonder that the Blair Witch filmmakers didn't sue these people for outright plagiarism! Adding insult to injury is the fact that a horned beastie, appearing on the disc's back cover illustration appears NOWHERE in the finished film, and we realize we've blown 84 minutes of our lives with nothing to show for it! STEE-RIKE THREE! 

Movie Review: Attack of the Crab Monsters (1957)

There’s an STD joke in here somewhere…

I’ve always enjoyed the Edgar Allan Poe movies of the 1960s directed by Roger Corman. But I realized I haven’t seen more than a small fraction of RC’s work, particularly the sci-fi monster movies from the 50s (with the exception being The Wasp Woman - that shit was awesome!).

And so I’ve rectified my terrible short comings by taking a gander at Attack of the Crab Monsters. The opening credits alone scream cheese ball as they’re hand drawn and look how Ariel’s world would have ended up if Ursula had succeeded in defeating King Triton.

There is a lot of talking in this flick because I can only guess the available money went to pay for the actors and that’s about it. So not as many action shots as there are looooong minutes of explanation as to why the people are on this particular island, and one character actually tells us (via random naval crew guy #2) the names and occupations of every fucking person.

Basically a crew of scientists and Navy guys need to search a little spit of an island for a research crew that disappeared from there earlier. And wouldn’t you know it but people start dying two minutes in: random crew guy #4 falls out of the dinghy and is pulled back up without his head. That’s less than optimal.

Cinema Head Cheese: The Podcast! #134 - Let It Go

Kevin and Jeff talk about Kevin's experience with Frozen and racism in Disney movies. They go into a few series including BET's Real Husbands of Hollywood, the horror anthology Monsters, and the web series The Guild. Kevin talks about the Buck Angel documentary Mr. Angel, and they talk about the passing of GWAR's singer Dave Brockie.

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Movie Review: The Amazing Adventures of The Living Corpse (2013, Blu-ray)

The Living Corpse bursts from the ground, and with a cavalcade of other zombies, he attacks a small house. Inside are a woman, her son and her daughter. The Living Corpse dispenses with the woman and the girl, and as the boy is about to fall to other zombies, he calls to The Living Corpse. The boy wants him to remember that he is his dad. LC does, and he saves his son. That's when the military shows up to rescue the boy, Taylor. Taylor is taken to a boys' home, and LC spends the movie trying to find him with the help of a demon lord and his gargoyle sidekick.

Movie Review: Blood Thirst/The Thirsty Dead (1971/1974, Vinegar Syndrome)

...taking the relatively clever and creative 'good', with the deliciously outrageous 'bad', there's a certain irresistible and alluringly exotic appeal to the eclectic roster of genre films, produced by domestic filmmakers, having chosen the Philippine Islands as their filming locale. Given the sense of mystery, danger and intrigue, which this sometimes unstable location has to offer, it is understandable why, during a certain window of opportunity, spanning a period of time, say from about the early 60's, to the mid '70's, the Philippines seemed perfectly ideal, from an exploitation point of view, for staging and producing some of the most eclectically bizarre cult and genre films, ever set to celluloid, during this time (...a kind understatement, to be sure; for an alternate take on this observation, that's outrageously beyond the fringe, this viewer most assuredly recommends the wildly out-of-control 2010 documentary, "Machete Maidens Unleashed"). Sex-starved prison bound babes. Mighty midget secret agents. Kick-ass kung fu cavaliers. Vivacious vampire vixens. A veritable onslaught of beasts, breasts and blood, as one Joe Bob Briggs once coined. And those monsters...oh yes, those drippy-drip, pasted-on, rubber faced monsters. Even from the very beginning, there was a certain level of outrageousness in these films, which was progressively built upon, eventually culminating in repeated, hapless viewer wide-eyed looks of '...sheesh!! You gotta be friggin' kidding!!' To a degree, such is the case with the first of these films, one of which the fine folks of Vinegar Syndrome have kindly paired up, in their most recent 'Drive-In Double Feature' selection...the exotically film-nourish, albeit tongue-in-cheek horror flick, 1971's "Blood Thirst"...

Movie Review: The Incredible Melting Man (Blu-ray, 1977)

When I first experienced The Incredible Melting Man on Mystery Science Theater 3000 more than fifteen years ago, I thought to myself  "as bad as this is, this is far from the mind-numbing crap that's usually on this show". I could actually get through this B-flick without the best riffers in the world (Joel, Mike, Tom Servo, Crow and the gang) throwing in their clever barbs every few seconds. Scream Factory has taken the liberty to put William Sachs’ The Incredible Melting Man out in an ooey-gooey special edition Blu-ray that is sure please fans of this messy little masterpiece.

The plot is actually quite simple: Alex Rebar plays Astronaut “Steve West”, a man on a mission to take space exploration that much further than anyone before him. He does, but at a price, because now he is sitting in a hospital bed, gradually melting away thanks to a solar flare while gazing like a lecher at Saturn. After killing a rotund nurse, he emerges from the hospital, on the loose and suddenly an aggressive murderous creature. Fast on the syrupy heels of our cannibalistic melting creature is Dr.Ted Nelson (Burr DeBenning) who’s out to capture West before he gets too powerful during this sloppy metamorphosis.

Movie Review: Horror Express (Blu-ray/ DVD Combo)

There a have been many prolific duos in film history: Laurel and Hardy, Abbot and Costello, Pryor and Wilder, Freidman and Lewis,  are just a few that  come to mind when I think off total magic when the parties come together. In the horror realm, Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee are tops with their amazing camaraderie in some of the Hammer Productions (Dracula: Prince of Darkness, Horror of Dracula) they've teamed up in.

Severin Films has released the movie Horror Express from Spanish director Eugenio Martin in a Blu-ray/DVD combo pack starring the legendary actors.  It may just be time to finally put away all those shitty public domain releases, use them as coasters and crack this baby open.

Movie Review: Cosmic Monsters (1958)

Director: Gilbert Gunn
Stars: Forrest Tucker and Gaby André

I think my favourite hobby is listening to Robert Osborne introduce monster movies on TCM. It may be that he secretly loves the things but I don't think so. I think he feels embarrassed every time they come up, but he's a professional and he does his job well with just a hint of a smile at the realisation of what sort of material he's introducing. Then again this one begins as a pretty intelligent monster movie as such things go, made in the UK by Anglo-Scottish Pictures, sourced from a story by René Ray. Sure, the introduction is more than a little melodramatic ('Man goes forward into the unknown but how does the unknown react?'), but it settles down quickly into a thoughtful movie. It's actually hilarious to hear such rationality about science juxtaposed with a rampant sexism. 'A woman?' cries Dr Laird when he's told that his new computer operator is a member of the fairer sex. 'This is preposterous! This is highly skilled work!'

Buy Cosmic Monsters [VHS]

Movie Review: Monsters (2010)

When you read the title Monsters, what do you expect? Monsters, maybe? If you watched the trailer that made its way around the internet, you would think you're watching a combination of District 9 and Starship Troopers. It even looked like there would be an element of Cloverfield in there. Let me tell you, that is not at all what you will get.

Buy Monsters on DVD or Blu-ray

The premise is simple. A satellite or some other space type object (I really don't care enough to remember) falls to Earth and breaks up over Mexico. The fragments are covered in alien bacteria, and it contaminates the U.S./Mexico border and surrounding areas. Giant bug-like octopus creatures inhabit the area, and they are extremely dangerous.