Monsters in the Closet (2021)

Even though this film’s trailer intrigued and excited me, I still had that uneasy feeling that comes with most indie films. It’s not often that these flicks succeed and I was worried my hopes would be dashed against the rocks of mediocrity. Fortunately, my psyche experienced only slight battery over the 88-minute running time.

Monsters in the Closet is about a recluse writer who suddenly dies. His estranged daughter goes to his house to do what all surviving family members do – rifle through his shit. Interrupted for only a moment by her father’s publishing house representative about getting their hands on his last work, Jasmin gets to her dad’s house to find a laptop with a recorded video, just for her.

Aside from not taking any responsibility for his aloofness and terrible parenting skills, he wants to tell her about his latest project. It’s going to be a HUGE success! You see, he found a seventeenth-century book on black magic that teaches the reader how to cast spells by writing stories about them. And once you read them aloud, the characters in each story come to life. Imagine, having a real vampire in your house!

Not sure that’s so great, but go on, Father…

What follows is her dad telling four different tales. And as you might guess, an element from each story comes to life in the house where Jasmin sits, ALONE, watching her father’s final video.

 I do love a good anthology film. And while the execution is lacking, overall I have to say I enjoyed it. It’s definitely a comedy/horror mash-up and each story is quite unique from all the others. Not saying the individual stories themselves were particularly original, but I’m glad they didn’t all blend together with shared tropes.

We’ve got zombies, a serial killer, a mad scientist, and just good, old-fashioned, isolated mania. While some of the acting is horrible, I gotta give props to John Paul Fedele and his ability to sell the idea of having sexual relations with an…assembled woman. His story was my favorite as it had me laughing the most often. And I wish I could remember the character names to shout out the actors, but the pair playing the couple who bought their first fixer-upper house in the second segment balanced hyperbole and believability so well! This was a close second place behind the mad scientist story as the humor hit home more often than not.

Something's missing. I can't quite put my finger on it...

The mixed bag of CGI did little to help. Some looked completely realistic, and others were obvious cheap computer programming. But it didn’t detract too much from the movie, making it easily forgettable.

Thankfully, the acting was better than I expected. The worst of it came in the weakest story, the third segment called “The One Percenters”. Cliché, obvious and terrible, and I’ve forgotten most of it. The performances in the main/wrap-around story were lackluster at best, awkward at worst, but not so bad as to make me want to shut it off. The good acting in the rest of the film absolutely made up for anything lacking elsewhere.

If you like to give indie films a try, despite that nagging feeling you might be setting yourself up for a long night of binge drinking, check out this one. I don’t think you’ll be sorry!

3.5 Hatchets (out of 5)

 

 

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The Dark (2018) Movie Review

I’m kinda getting tired of taking a chance on an unknown movie and then liking it. I mean, this is Cinema Headcheese. I take pride in holding myself to a certain standard of crap and bitching about it.

Geez.

As I wasn’t planning to review this particular film, I didn’t take copious notes. That will help this to be a more spoiler-free review. The film is also from 2018, so it’s still relatively new and probably not on a lot of people’s radars.

The Dark is about two teenagers who bond and heal in the wake of traumatic experiences. Mina, after being killed by her mother’s molesting boyfriend, wakes as a zombie in the woods near her home. She must kill and eat humans to “survive”. Several years later, she crosses paths with a wanted criminal who trespasses into her territory, and promptly kills him. While searching the man’s car for goods, she discovers Alex, a teenage boy the man had kidnapped then blinded through torture.

As Mina takes Alex in tow, trying to find him food, shelter, and help, the two create a strong bond of friendship, each a healing force for the other. Though in order to keep Alex safe, blood’s gonna get spilled.

I actually don’t want to say more than that. I don’t want to break down the film scene by scene, like I usually do. I will comment on a few aspects, of course. Despite there being a lot of division among reviewers across the internet, I don’t think anyone can deny this film throws an emotional punch. And I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it ever since I watched it.

About 80% of the film is carried by two people: Nadia Alexander and Toby Nichols, who play Mina and Alex respectively. The subject matter, zombie aspect aside, is very heavy and these two bore the brunt of it well. Using the zombie trope to explore and discuss issues like molestation, rape, kidnapping, torture, brain washing, and murder through the eyes of the teens that experienced these horrors is something I haven’t seen before. At least, not with this strong emotional connection. Even Mina’s zombie isn’t typical. She’s not a brainless, shambling, cloudy-eyed automaton. Aside from the killing and eating people, she could be a “normal” teenage girl.

Toby did a fantastic job of playing a teen who’d obviously been so traumatized, he was reluctant to go with Mina even after she told him his kidnapper was dead. He lived in fear that the man would come back for him or find his family and kill them. When we first encounter Alex, he’s in soiled clothes with burn scars over his eyes. But we didn’t need to see him go through that hell. Toby showed us plenty through his acting in the film. Same for Mina. We do get some flashbacks to give us an idea how she got to this zombified state, but Nadia shows us plenty without us having to witness her personal trauma.

There is no soundtrack. There is one simplistic song, “Mina’s Theme”, that plays a couple times. Or the kids hum a soft tune once or twice. But I think the lack of music made this a much more powerful film. That in conjunction with the cinematography created such a bleak and unforgiving world these kids had to live in.

Most of the film is dark, lighting-wise, I mean. I don’t know if that was a director’s choice to show that we each have darkness to contend with inside and out, or that the world is a dark place, hence the title of the film. Darkness can be different for everyone, and from some of the character development in this movie, I’d say the teens weren’t the only ones who had suffered at the hands of something dark and terrible.

The one main thing I didn’t like was the pacing. It did drag a bit, and some scenes went on a little too long. But only checking my watch once or twice during a 90-minute film is fairly good, so it wasn’t as bad as others I’ve watched in the past.

I did try to read up on a bunch of reviews because the ending is a little…huh? And after discovering NO ONE had any answers or theories out there, I realized that the writer may have left the ending a little vague so each viewer could interpret in their own way. I can’t really say what I think the ending means because it would give too much away. But it did give me hope for Alex’s recovery, and for Mina’s, too.

Is this a supernatural tale? Sure. Is it a human story? Absolutely. What it means for you will be different than what it means for me. And stories that keep me thinking, long after they’re over, are some of the most beautiful stories out there.

It’s on Amazon Prime if you’d like to check it out for yourself.

4 hatchets (out of 5)

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Movie Review: Dead Love (2018)

Let’s see if I can continue riding the luck train, and this second screener I got doesn’t suck ass.

Dead Love opens with Brandon losing his mother. For some reason she commits suicide, and Brandon is left to pick up the pieces. When having to deal with funeral arrangements, the woman who runs Pine Meadow funeral home, Cat, invites him to dinner in exchange for the cost of the casket. She claims it’s because he’s a local and everyone there is like family, but the truth is her sister, Fiona, wants him.

Thus begins the courtship of Brandon and Fiona. And like all good, stable relationships, Fiona keeps a lot of secrets, and doesn’t reveal the whole truth of who she and her family are until she’s desperate - for what, I can’t tell you, but trust me, it’s a doozie.

Does Brandon love her enough to overlook the lies?

Island of the Cannibal Death Gods (2011) Movie Review

Apparently someone at CHC wanted me to be surprised and delighted with the next film in the DVD stack as it had no writing on it. Kind of like one of those grab bags you get at the Dollar store - could be toys, could be housewares, could be a pile of dog shit for all you know.

Guess which one I got?

Island of the Cannibal Death Gods (are you FUCKING kidding me right now? Gods damn you, Hayes) is the story of David, Steve, and Derek (celebrity, his agent, and brother-in-law respectively) who decide to charter a fishing boat for a nice weekend away. Seems Dave fucked up (literally - he cheated on his wife) and the press are getting all up in his business 24/7. 

So they hook up with Captain Robin Murphy (a female captain who’s tough and independent? How unique and unexpected.) and tootle around some tiny islands while the Captain entices the men with local pirate legends, hidden treasures, and stories of cannibals! Before they can decide whether they want to go hunting for buried treasure, they come across an abandoned boat. While searching for survivors they’re picked off one by one. Could it be the cannibals Captain Murphy was talking about? Will they stop bickering long enough to survive this threat? Do any of us fucking care?

All together now. One…two…three….NO!

Let’s cover everything wrong with this film.

1. Sound: very uneven; mismatched vocals; the generic ‘realistic punch’ sound effect made the fight scenes even more pathetic.
2. Visuals: I’m guessing it was the low budget but it basically looked like someone grabbed a camcorder and started filming; lots of shaking and unsteady work - I actually got a little motion sick from it; the ridiculous ‘cannibal cam’.
3. Characters: dear lord there was no one to get behind; cliche bad guys; douchebag and extremely WHINY main characters.
4. Acting: lackluster and awkward; the cannibals themselves were utterly ridiculous (especially considering their zebra loin cloths - pretty sure there are no wild zebras in Florida - and their awkward tribal dancing).
5. Story: unoriginal; predictable; pacing was very slow; death right out of the gate but then it took FOREVER for the next one; lots of exposition dumps.

Okay now the few things right with this movie:

1. Florence LeMerle as Robin Murphy. She was the best actor in the bunch. I enjoyed her screen time immensely and the scene where she’s telling a story to the guys and screams at them, like a jump scare while telling a ghost story around a campfire, was awesome. I got a good laugh at that.
2. The ‘twist’ ending: while the actual plot twist has been done dozens of times, the reveal of it was HILARIOUS!
3. Effects: you don’t really see much in the way of kills (most are done off screen), the few we see include awesome practical effects. I’m so glad they didn’t do any of that CGI bullshit. The dangling eye was my particular favorite.

So as you can see, the good does not outweigh the bad in this flick. While there are parts that were enjoyable, the overall quality is just awful and really not worth your time.

1 hatchet (out of 5)

Movie Review: The Lazarus Effect (2015)

David Gelb directs this film about medical students who have found a way to bring the dead back to life.  This isn't a zombie film like Re-Animator since the dead come back fully functional, or so it seems.

The Lazarus formula had been in development for quite some time when there is finally a breakthrough in their testing.  Animals were the first subjects and when it finally worked, the results came as quite a surprise.  The formula not only brings the dog Rocky back to life there seem to be some unexpected side effects.  The Lazarus formula is put to the test later in the film when an unfortunate accident puts a friend in death's way.

Dream sequences lead you into a backstory that helps put the film together and expound on the motivation behind Olivia Wilde's character Zoe.  The limited amount of people in the cast really helps this movie as, with only an hour and twenty three minutes of run time, you have just enough time to get who they are and why they are important in their respective roles.

Movie Review: Escape from the Bronx (1983)

When I first looked at the CD art on this I thought Jeff sent me Escape from NY. Okay. Maybe John Carpenter re-released it or something, wanted to get it back in front of the general population. I enjoy Kurt Russell. But on closer inspection I realized this is a film that obviously tried to cash in on the popularity of Snake Plisskin and his band of merry thugs (I mean, they had a character with an eye patch for crying out loud. AN EYE PATCH!)

Escape from the Bronx tells us the story of what a shit hole the Bronx is and some douchebag CEO of the GC Corporation wants to raze it to the ground then rebuild all of New York with nicer housing and no crime. Riiiiiight. How can this guy run an entire company and be so fucking stupid at the same time?

The gubmint assures everyone that they will receive alternative accommodations, better than what they have now, in beautiful New Mexico. Why they have to go live all the way across the country is unclear. As you can imagine, some people are pissed and don’t want to leave. Well, too bad for you because if you don’t get out when they ask nicely, you are fried up extra crispy via the flame throwers carried by the DAS - Disinfestation Annihilation Squad.

Wow. They don’t even PRETEND to sugar coat it, do they? Though I can appreciate their honesty.

Meet Trash, one of these stubborn tried and true New Yawkers (played by Marco DiGregorio from Rome, Italy - I wonder if he’s related to Cha Cha?). He and a bunch of other folks live in the tunnels under the city, lead by Dablone. He thinks the death squads are too chicken to come down and run them out so he does nothing to fight back. But after Trash’s parents are murdered, he enlists the help of a plucky journalist, Moon Grey (who has been trying to get the truth out to the rest of the country about all the bat shit craziness) and a former bank robber, Strike, to kidnap the CEO of GC Corp which will in turn force the government to negotiate terms.

Movie Review: Rosemary’s Baby (2014)

Trust me. If this remake hadn’t been included in my latest CHC package, I never would have watched it. It’s not necessarily a film that makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a spork previously used by a leper with herpes but it’s not something I would recommend anyone else watch. Ever.

Rosemary’s Baby, for those of you that don’t know, was a narrow book written by Ira Levin in 1967. It was originally adapted for the screen in 1968 starring Mia Farrow, John Cassavetes, Ruth Gordon, and directed by Roman Polanski. The basic premise of the story is as follows (again, for you newbs - spoilers ahead):

Rosemary and Guy Woodhouse move into a high rise apartment building. Quickly befriended by an older couple, Minnie and Roman Castevet, who seem to be benefactors and meddlers at the same time. Guy is a struggling actor but things quickly fall into place for his success, mainly by the competition going inexplicably blind. Coincidence this happens AFTER Guy befriends the old couple? Wait and see, young viewer.

Guy and Rosemary decide to have a baby and on the night of conception, Rosemary is drugged and hallucinates being raped by a demon. Or does she? Now pregnant, her first few months are agony - constant pain, nausea, weight loss. Though her friends try to convince her to seek help, she trusts the advice of the doctor recommended by the Castevets. When her pregnancy improves, she seems to forget about all her previous worries.

Movie Review: The Truth About Emanuel (2013, Blu-ray)

“You can’t handle the truth!” And if by truth you mean that the title character in this movie is not the whiny little bitch you think but actually a deeply caring and vulnerable young girl then yeah, I can’t handle it. Mostly because I don’t buy it.

The Truth About Emanuel stars Kaya Scodelario as Emanuel, a brooding 17-year old girl who considers herself a murderer because her mother died while giving birth. She spends her days being all intense and dark. And each year, as her birthday approaches, she turns the annoying brat-o-meter up to 11 by making her father retell the story of her mother’s death. Minute by agonizing minute.

What an asshole.

But this year is a bit different. A mysterious woman, Linda, moves in next door and she just happens to look a lot like Emanuel’s dead mom. Naturally Emanuel is drawn to her and becomes her friend, basically replacing something she’s never had with a doppelganger. A demented doppelganger but I move too soon.

Because of this blossoming relationship, Emanuel seems to come out of her shell a bit. She’s nicer to her coworkers, reaches out to a cute boy on the commuter train and starts dating him but don’t worry. She still manages to maintain her spiteful angry attitude toward her step-mom. Because remember, she’s all dark and avant-garde and unique.

What. An. Asshole.

Cinema Head Cheese: The Podcast! #134 - Let It Go

Kevin and Jeff talk about Kevin's experience with Frozen and racism in Disney movies. They go into a few series including BET's Real Husbands of Hollywood, the horror anthology Monsters, and the web series The Guild. Kevin talks about the Buck Angel documentary Mr. Angel, and they talk about the passing of GWAR's singer Dave Brockie.

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Cinema Head Cheese: The Podcast! #131 - For the Whole World to See

Kevin does a solo show filled with reviews.He talks about the 30 for 30 documentary about Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding, the doc about 1970s punk band Death, the second seasons of both Lilyhammer and House of Cards and the first season of Bates Motel.

He also touches on the career and death of Harold Ramis.

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Cinema Head Cheese: The Podcast! #91 - Two Thumbs Up

Dave and Kevin reflect on the lives of several recently deceased figures in film. They discuss Jess Franco, Annette Funicello, Harry Reems, Richard Brooker and Roger Ebert. Dave also gives a little history lesson on Margaret Thatcher and censorship.

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This episode is sponsored by the following: