Movie Review: Hold Your Breath (2012)

Someone needs to improve this Invisalign design that allows the wearer to drink alcohol while they’re in…

Hold Your Breath opens with a flashback in 1956 where the preacher-turned-serial killer (huh?) is about to be executed. Dietrich Van Klaus (evil German…how original) blathers on with some bullshit exposition from the Bible, gouges out his own eye, kills a guard, then they finally strap him down and throw the switch. 

*yawn* Edward DeLacroix’s death was much worse. Just saying.

We move on to the present day where a group of twenty-somethings are getting together for a camping weekend. (and OMG the girls are like soooo annoying. Like HIIIIIII!!) On the way to the campsite they pass a graveyard and Jerry (the blonde annoying girl) freaks the fuck out trying to get everyone to hold their breaths as the car passes because OMG THAT’S WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO IF YOU DON’T WANT TO GET POSSESSED. GAAAAWD!

Movie Review: Vendetta (2015, Blu-ray)

Review By: James DePaolo

The Soska Sisters have had an interesting career so far, one that contradicts itself on every turn but interesting nonetheless. They debuted 5 years ago with a “Grindhouse” like film called Dead Hooker in a Trunk. Some fans loved it, and others loathed it, but the one thing that was for sure, everyone was talking. The follow up American Mary again split the community. The interesting thing during their director’s commentary Jen and Sylvia made an interesting revelation. “We will never do any remakes, sequels or non-horror films, we would never sell out. We respect our fans”. Their follow-up to American Mary was See No Evil 2 and then a segment in ABC’s of Death 2. And now, they are giving us a prison revenge film.

Vince McMahon has always had this hard on for Hollywood. WWE studios were born out of him wanting to create films using faces that he feels could attract a crowd. He failed trying to do with Hogan, which is not a fault of Vince it is all Hogan who has the personality and believability of a yard gnome. Then came The Rock, and all the money he made on films that he carried made Vince think that maybe he should try it again and create a studio and write and produce films and hire directors for zero to nothing to just fill a role that his people have no time for.

Movie Review: Prison Girl (2008)

While I am “assured” that the arrival of one of Japan’s pink films in my care package this time around was “accidental” and that I didn’t have to watch it, I figured, what the hell. I can man up and watch some soft-core porn. It’s for science! Or, work. Or…something.

Prison Girl stars Asami as Ayaka, a bored housewife who’s been having some very strange dreams lately. She keeps having nightmares about being in prison where she is man-handled and abused at the hands of the Warden and the guards. She thinks that settling into the role of housewife must be at the core of these dreams, though she’s had them since she was a teenager. 

On the advice of her husband, she starts regular visits to a psychiatrist. He seems to think that psychological disorders can be caused by not enough sex. Maybe that’s her issue. So she and her husband should talk about having kids. After all, kids make everything better!

In addition to the prison, Ayaka also dreams about being showered in blood and laughing maniacally. The nightmares become more frequent and it’s glaringly obvious that she enjoys them. When she’s not dreaming about being groped, she’s fondling herself in the real world. The shrink then has a new theory - she’s feeling guilty about something and that’s why she keeps dreaming of prison. Like guilty over keeping a secret. Like secretly being a prostitute.

Wait, what? Where’d that come from?

Eventually, Ayaka’s dream world and waking world begin to merge. Is she the repressed housewife dreaming of prison life or is she a criminal, charged with murdering her husband, who dreams of having the regular life of a wife? You can contemplate that while staring at Asami’s perfectly perky breasts. 

Movie Review: Bullet Collector (2012, DVD)

Review By: Rob Sibley

Sobiratel Pul aka “The Bullet Collector” is hands down the best art house movie I've seen so far in 2013. It's unlike any other art house film I've seen. The film is being compared to François Truffaut's 400 Blows which is understandable since the story itself parallels the 1959 French classic. But besides with dealing with similar issues the two films couldn't be more different. This Russian film is the first feature length film from Aleksandr Vartanov, who's only previous credit was as a co-director on a Russian sitcom.

This is an incredible debut feature film, I never would have guessed that this is Vartanov's first real time behind the camera. I should say right off the bat that this is either a love it or hate it sort of film. As with a lot of Russian films the subject matter is incredibly dark and depressing. But if you look closely enough through all the bleakness, grit and grime there is some hidden beauty to be found in this picture.

Movie Review: Prison (1988, Blu-ray/DVD Combo)

Not long before the Finnish-born filmmaker Renny Harlin (Cliffhanger, Diehard II: Dieharder) made his name as one of the go-to high-concept action film guys of the 1990's he had some success with a couple of fine genre films. Both in 1988, Harlin helmed arguably one of the best Nightmare on Elm Street sequels in the Dream Master and the haunted prison film, Prison. Prison has just made its debut on Blu-ray and DVD here in the states via Scream Factory and folks; it's just filled to the brim with goodness.

The spirit of Charles Forsyth (Kane Hodder, Hatchet) haunts every inch of the dilapidated interior of a Wyoming prison. Former guard and now Warden, Eaton Sharpe (Lane Smith, Dark Night of the Scarecrow) has a lot to do with why the prison is haunted - he helped fry Forsyth, who was actually innocent of his crimes.

Movie Review: Maximum Conviction (2012)

It's not often that you get to see action stars from different eras meet up for a story filled with killing, blowing things up and all around ass kicking. Expendables aside, it's really true. I had the opportunity to see two of my favorites together, and I was not disappointed.

It's really very simple. You take Steven Seagal, throw in Steve Austin, add Michael Pare and soap opera star / martial artist  Bren Foster and then throw them all into a prison that houses the worst criminals known to man. It's like the '80s threw up on the '90s and it all just oozed over the last twelve years, and I loved it.