DEMIGOD (2021) Movie Review

I hate to admit that I’m leery of modern horror films. More often than not, they’re turds hiding in shitty CGI with no originality. But for some reason - maybe the slick trailer got me - I wanted to give this one a try. And I have to say, I’m not 100% disappointed. So, there’s that.

I will do my best not to reveal any spoilers as this movie just came out a couple of weeks ago. So this will probably be a short review!

The basic story of Demigod is this: After Robin’s grandfather dies, she and her husband, Leo, return to Germany, where she was born and lived as a small child. There they find a dark secret waiting for them.

 

It seems jumping on the pagan/witch bandwagon is a thing now. It was a huge trope in the sixties and seventies, where the witches worshipped Satan, killed babies, and put hexes on people. Then the nineties gave us movies like The Craft and Practical Magic which, at the very least, gave us some accurate basics of witchcraft and paganism. And then The VVitch came out and threw the witchcraft trial victims right under the horse cart and perpetuated the untruth of witches worshipping Satan and killing babies.

Fucking trolls.

At least the people of Demigod have returned to the more basic truths of paganism and witchcraft, and wrapped them in the folklore of Germany, specifically the Black Forest. Think deep dark woods, hunting, horned god, sacrifice, etc. You see where this is going?

That’s all I’m going to tell you because any more would really give away too much. So let me talk about the good aspects of the film.

Is there something on my face? Here? This side? Did I get it?

 

•   The cinematography and location shoots are gorgeous. Atmosphere fits each scene and situation well. I never felt pulled out of the story because something was off in the surroundings.

•   Pacing is just right. There is a good buildup with character introductions, backstory building, scene setting. Then at about the halfway mark, the shit hits the fan.

•   Acting is excellent. I only recognized one actress (Rachel Nichols, who played Robin) but everyone else matched her skills. I was personally impressed with the child, Rachel Ryals, who played Amalia, and Miles Doleac who played Amalia’s father, Arthur. What really impressed me is that of the actors playing the German natives, only ONE was born there. Maybe she helped with dialect and accents but whatever the case, I really thought German actors were hired for this movie. Good job everyone!

•   I did really like a few lines of dialogue: “The night has come to kill the day. Sleep well.” - Arthur (okay, thanks for creeping me out, dude). “I’m nobody’s servant.” - Robin. She ended up being pretty strong, not as bad ass as Amalia, but that line gave me goosebumps.

Da fuq did you just say to me?

And now for the bad.

•   The actual demigod, Cernnous (I think that was the name - honestly, they called him a dozen different things) looked straight up like a guy running around in a bull mask. Bad CGI for his mouth movement, random use of glowing eyes, and a rambling speech near the end about ritual and servants and blah blah blah.

•   Either too long establishing shots (walking up a path or whatever) and some long speeches about traditions and ritual and blah blah blah pulls the viewer out of the experience.

•   Robin is a relatively smart character but it takes a lot of her asking “What?” “What do you mean?” “I don’t understand” before the story can progress, while the rest of us are waiting for her to catch up.

•   Glomming onto the witch trend, making them evil and murdery (even if it’s explained as for a ‘higher’ purpose) still pisses me off to no end.

So aside from these few issues, overall the film is entertaining and interesting. I don’t think it was released in theaters but you can rent it on Amazon. Maybe you should check it out!

3 hatchets (out of 5)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Hollywood’s New Blood (1989) Movie Review

What seems to be happening to me more and more lately is that I’ll come across a flick that I think, at first, will just be a small fluffy piece of crappy entertainment. I’ll watch it; I’ll hate myself for watching; eventually, I’ll move on. Perhaps I might even turn it off because it’s boring beyond belief.

But sometimes these flicks make me pause. I hold my thumb over that “off” button for a long time before I realize I’ve put the remote down and have become fully immersed in the shit show unfolding before me. The only time I pick that fucker back up is to pause said garbage parade when I can’t stop laughing and I’m afraid I’ll miss more terribleness that might keep me entertained.

Hollywood’s New Blood is just such a movie.

(SPOILERS AHOY)

Picture it: 1989, a small troupe of up-and-coming thespians attending an acting seminar out in the woods. A woods that comes with its own tragic backstory – of the Glouster family clan (yes, the entire clan) that was accidentally blown to smithereens on a movie set. Legend says the locals can still see the figures of three Glouster brothers as they roam the woods, looking for the body parts of their clansmen.

Or something like that.

One of the young performers, Bret, grew up nearby. He heard all the stories; he spent his summers on this very lake. And he piecemeals these gory little tidbits over the course of the seminar to his fellow actor wanna-bes and their teacher. Too bad absolutely NO ONE cares because if they did, they might have been able to save themselves from terrible fates at the hands of the vengeful Glouster family ghosts as they exact their revenge.

Sounds good on paper, right? Maybe not that new or exciting but a reasonably entertaining dive into the ghost/revenge/horror trope, right?

If they’d stuck with the ghosts out for revenge idea, that would have been fine. But halfway through the film, Bret tells us oh yeah, three of the brothers – Jeb, Luke, and Neil -  were never found but let’s just count them as dead, okay? Even before that, when we see the three Glousters, they’re hobbled and scarred and still wrapped in bandages. Okay, yes, Jacob Marley looked like that, too, but Charles Dickens this is not.

Pretty much all of the characters are fodder. They aren’t developed enough for us to care about. The viewer wants them to die so they can just STOP BEING TERRIBLE ACTORS. I will give Joe Balogh, who plays Mitch, some props because he was the best actor in the bunch, and his character was the biggest smart ass. That doesn’t mean I was sad to see him die; he just did a decent job with his character before the Glouster boys got him.

The whole movie is filmed on two locations – the cabin and the woods. So there was a lot of repeated usage of the same stills, shadowy action shots, killer cam moving through the woods. I’m sure that was a budgetary choice but it also felt like padding the run time. And I’d wager they REALLY padded the film with the extended grappling scenes between killers and victims, stalking scenarios, and shambling though the woods to their intended destinations.

What if C-A-T really does spell dog?

The sound isn’t the worst I’ve come across. There’s not a huge range of decibels between dialogue and sound effects. But the sound effects themselves…any time we got the killer cam as he moved through the woods, the sound effects were jungle noises. And I’m talking howler monkeys and shit. That was the first time I paused the video. I thought I was hearing it wrong. Noooope. Honest to gods: howler monkeys.

The second time I paused the movie was during the scene where each actor had to find an object in the woods, bring it back to the cabin, and make up a story about it. And Mitch finds some bones and a skull. A mother fucking skull. Fortunately for us, Bret is there to tell us that it’s not an animal. It’s human!

Whoever didn’t already know that is probably too young to be watching this. But thanks for clearing up any confusion none of us were having.

The third time I paused the film was during the climactic fight scene between the last Glouster brother and Bret. At a point earlier in the film, Bret instructs Liz to break up the skull and bones and sharpen them so she can have a weapon. Later, as Bret wrestler with Neil Glouster for FAR TOO LONG, Bret grabs the skull and slams it into Neil’s face, whereby it sticks as Neil screams bloody murder.

I honestly hurt myself laughing so hard at the point, though I will admit that the jawless skull stuck on Neil’s face as he screamed looked pretty fucking creepy.

Resting Bitch Face a Deux

The last bits I’ll harp on come at the end. Once the story is done, we get cut scenes of each character that probably last about 15-20 seconds each. You’d think the filmmakers would use this as a chance to put up titles such as “Bobby Johnston as Bret” or “Lynn Pirtle as Joely”. Nope, just snippets of film while the most terrible, awful, no good, very bad, unbelievably dreadful theme song plays. FOR SEVEN MINUTES AND FIVE SECONDS before we get the ending credits.

Who was in charge here? I demand to see the manager!

Look, I try not to steer people toward unmitigated crap if I can help it. There’s nothing worse than spending 90 minutes watching something that makes you want to question all your life choices leading up to this point in time. However…Hollywood’s New Blood is 77 minutes of accidental hilarity. Yes, at times it’s painful. You may even feel personally attacked. But why not pour a hefty drink, maybe have a little edible (hey – it’s legal here, shut up), and tune into Hollywood’s New Blood? Chances are you’ll hate yourself in the morning but you’ll enjoy the ride before the sun comes up.

Extra: best line of the film come from the character, Donna. “How can I feel scared? There’s nothing dangerous around here.”

You got that right, sweet cheeks. You got that right.

1.5 hatchet (out of 5)

(SORRY - I could not find a trailer posted anywhere for this one) 

 

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The Dark (2018) Movie Review

I’m kinda getting tired of taking a chance on an unknown movie and then liking it. I mean, this is Cinema Headcheese. I take pride in holding myself to a certain standard of crap and bitching about it.

Geez.

As I wasn’t planning to review this particular film, I didn’t take copious notes. That will help this to be a more spoiler-free review. The film is also from 2018, so it’s still relatively new and probably not on a lot of people’s radars.

The Dark is about two teenagers who bond and heal in the wake of traumatic experiences. Mina, after being killed by her mother’s molesting boyfriend, wakes as a zombie in the woods near her home. She must kill and eat humans to “survive”. Several years later, she crosses paths with a wanted criminal who trespasses into her territory, and promptly kills him. While searching the man’s car for goods, she discovers Alex, a teenage boy the man had kidnapped then blinded through torture.

As Mina takes Alex in tow, trying to find him food, shelter, and help, the two create a strong bond of friendship, each a healing force for the other. Though in order to keep Alex safe, blood’s gonna get spilled.

I actually don’t want to say more than that. I don’t want to break down the film scene by scene, like I usually do. I will comment on a few aspects, of course. Despite there being a lot of division among reviewers across the internet, I don’t think anyone can deny this film throws an emotional punch. And I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it ever since I watched it.

About 80% of the film is carried by two people: Nadia Alexander and Toby Nichols, who play Mina and Alex respectively. The subject matter, zombie aspect aside, is very heavy and these two bore the brunt of it well. Using the zombie trope to explore and discuss issues like molestation, rape, kidnapping, torture, brain washing, and murder through the eyes of the teens that experienced these horrors is something I haven’t seen before. At least, not with this strong emotional connection. Even Mina’s zombie isn’t typical. She’s not a brainless, shambling, cloudy-eyed automaton. Aside from the killing and eating people, she could be a “normal” teenage girl.

Toby did a fantastic job of playing a teen who’d obviously been so traumatized, he was reluctant to go with Mina even after she told him his kidnapper was dead. He lived in fear that the man would come back for him or find his family and kill them. When we first encounter Alex, he’s in soiled clothes with burn scars over his eyes. But we didn’t need to see him go through that hell. Toby showed us plenty through his acting in the film. Same for Mina. We do get some flashbacks to give us an idea how she got to this zombified state, but Nadia shows us plenty without us having to witness her personal trauma.

There is no soundtrack. There is one simplistic song, “Mina’s Theme”, that plays a couple times. Or the kids hum a soft tune once or twice. But I think the lack of music made this a much more powerful film. That in conjunction with the cinematography created such a bleak and unforgiving world these kids had to live in.

Most of the film is dark, lighting-wise, I mean. I don’t know if that was a director’s choice to show that we each have darkness to contend with inside and out, or that the world is a dark place, hence the title of the film. Darkness can be different for everyone, and from some of the character development in this movie, I’d say the teens weren’t the only ones who had suffered at the hands of something dark and terrible.

The one main thing I didn’t like was the pacing. It did drag a bit, and some scenes went on a little too long. But only checking my watch once or twice during a 90-minute film is fairly good, so it wasn’t as bad as others I’ve watched in the past.

I did try to read up on a bunch of reviews because the ending is a little…huh? And after discovering NO ONE had any answers or theories out there, I realized that the writer may have left the ending a little vague so each viewer could interpret in their own way. I can’t really say what I think the ending means because it would give too much away. But it did give me hope for Alex’s recovery, and for Mina’s, too.

Is this a supernatural tale? Sure. Is it a human story? Absolutely. What it means for you will be different than what it means for me. And stories that keep me thinking, long after they’re over, are some of the most beautiful stories out there.

It’s on Amazon Prime if you’d like to check it out for yourself.

4 hatchets (out of 5)

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