Camp Blood Christmas - Movie Review

 

So, when I heard there was a movie that brought David C. Hayes out of (acting) retirement, you bet your SWEET ASS that I was going to see it no matter the cost. Luckily for me, David is my friend, and he obviously considers me the same because he brought me a copy of it, Blu Ray no less, when it became available.

And just in time for Christmas, here is my review of the 2025 film, Camp Blood Christmas.

NOTE: I won’t be spoiling any plot points as this film LITERALLY just came out. People need to experience this film on their own terms.

The basic idea is this: a group of misfits answers a job ad for a new Santa Snow Camp, a winter excursion place for kids to enjoy winter and Santa Clause and all that crap. Aside from the delay of the food and supplies guy, Carl, everything seems to be going swimmingly. But then, Gary, the hired Santa Clause, shares the bloody massacre-prone history of the location of the new camp.

Turns out it was a regular camp at one time until there were a bunch murders committed by the Clown Killer.

Fun fact: the opening credits consist of snippets from many of the previous fourteen Camp Blood movies.

You heard me. FOUR-FUCKING-TEEN. (Depending on who you talk to, it could only be fourteen total films which means snippets from THIR-FUCKING-TEEN films fill the opening credits.)

Anyway, as you might imagine, the reason Carl never showed? Seems the Clown Killer has returned. But what you might not have imagined, is the reason WHY. Whoa, PLOT TWIST! But then you probably didn’t image ANOTHER twist on top of that. It’s like the villain neck-cracking the hero right before he can save the day!

Will anyone survive this rampage? Maybe.

Will this family camp every get off the ground? Probably not.

Will we care?

Now, we all know how indie horror films usually go, don’t we? Low budget, lackluster acting, minimal continuity, terrible editing, bad sound, ridiculous plots and their giant holes, and so on and so forth. And, generally speaking, this is consistent with those issues – except sound. This is probably the first indie film I’ve watched where I didn’t need to keep adjusting the volume throughout the whole fucking thing because the dialogue was too quiet and the effects were too loud.

Good job, guys!

But yet, other than the great sound, this films lacks a lot. Character development is minimal because honestly, I really only cared about the hitch hiking, bearded, gummy dosing happy dude, Eddie (I think that’s him). Everyone else? Eh. A lot of the jokes fell flat; the dialogue felt stilted and unnatural; and way too much time was spent filming David’s butt crack.

HOWEVER…

Quite a few of the jokes landed perfectly. I personally loved the ditzy bombshell taking nudes of “down there” with her landline phone to send to her boyfriend. The story itself is pretty fun. While I will say some of the dialogue actually tells us what’s coming, the reveals and twists felt totally unexpected. The practical effects looked good (way to go, Emily Sammons, for the design on the severed penis). And it was easy to tell everyone who worked on the movie had good chemistry. They put in a lot of effort and while not perfect, it really shows their dedication.

Matt Dilts-Williams did a great job at writing a fun and entertaining story, as well as directing the cast and crew.

So if you’re interested in seeing what’s happening in the indie scene, and wouldn’t mind taking a chance on a humorous holiday horror – and David’s butt crack – get yourself a copy of Camp Blood Christmas. Don’t forget to hang around through the ending credits. That final song is pretty dang catchy.

And have a hell of a happy holiday season!

 

3 hatchets (out of 5) 

 

   

 

 

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DEMIGOD (2021) Movie Review

I hate to admit that I’m leery of modern horror films. More often than not, they’re turds hiding in shitty CGI with no originality. But for some reason - maybe the slick trailer got me - I wanted to give this one a try. And I have to say, I’m not 100% disappointed. So, there’s that.

I will do my best not to reveal any spoilers as this movie just came out a couple of weeks ago. So this will probably be a short review!

The basic story of Demigod is this: After Robin’s grandfather dies, she and her husband, Leo, return to Germany, where she was born and lived as a small child. There they find a dark secret waiting for them.

 

It seems jumping on the pagan/witch bandwagon is a thing now. It was a huge trope in the sixties and seventies, where the witches worshipped Satan, killed babies, and put hexes on people. Then the nineties gave us movies like The Craft and Practical Magic which, at the very least, gave us some accurate basics of witchcraft and paganism. And then The VVitch came out and threw the witchcraft trial victims right under the horse cart and perpetuated the untruth of witches worshipping Satan and killing babies.

Fucking trolls.

At least the people of Demigod have returned to the more basic truths of paganism and witchcraft, and wrapped them in the folklore of Germany, specifically the Black Forest. Think deep dark woods, hunting, horned god, sacrifice, etc. You see where this is going?

That’s all I’m going to tell you because any more would really give away too much. So let me talk about the good aspects of the film.

Is there something on my face? Here? This side? Did I get it?

 

•   The cinematography and location shoots are gorgeous. Atmosphere fits each scene and situation well. I never felt pulled out of the story because something was off in the surroundings.

•   Pacing is just right. There is a good buildup with character introductions, backstory building, scene setting. Then at about the halfway mark, the shit hits the fan.

•   Acting is excellent. I only recognized one actress (Rachel Nichols, who played Robin) but everyone else matched her skills. I was personally impressed with the child, Rachel Ryals, who played Amalia, and Miles Doleac who played Amalia’s father, Arthur. What really impressed me is that of the actors playing the German natives, only ONE was born there. Maybe she helped with dialect and accents but whatever the case, I really thought German actors were hired for this movie. Good job everyone!

•   I did really like a few lines of dialogue: “The night has come to kill the day. Sleep well.” - Arthur (okay, thanks for creeping me out, dude). “I’m nobody’s servant.” - Robin. She ended up being pretty strong, not as bad ass as Amalia, but that line gave me goosebumps.

Da fuq did you just say to me?

And now for the bad.

•   The actual demigod, Cernnous (I think that was the name - honestly, they called him a dozen different things) looked straight up like a guy running around in a bull mask. Bad CGI for his mouth movement, random use of glowing eyes, and a rambling speech near the end about ritual and servants and blah blah blah.

•   Either too long establishing shots (walking up a path or whatever) and some long speeches about traditions and ritual and blah blah blah pulls the viewer out of the experience.

•   Robin is a relatively smart character but it takes a lot of her asking “What?” “What do you mean?” “I don’t understand” before the story can progress, while the rest of us are waiting for her to catch up.

•   Glomming onto the witch trend, making them evil and murdery (even if it’s explained as for a ‘higher’ purpose) still pisses me off to no end.

So aside from these few issues, overall the film is entertaining and interesting. I don’t think it was released in theaters but you can rent it on Amazon. Maybe you should check it out!

3 hatchets (out of 5)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Lurking Terror (2002) Movie Review

I’ve been going back and forth on whether I wanted to review this movie as, you might guess, I didn’t enjoy it. I’m friends with people who worked on it; I’m familiar with those who wrote/directed it and the…less than stellar behavior they’ve exhibited toward their vendor friends and family in recent years. I, personally, have not been a victim of their, let’s be honest, unethical business practices. But I know quite a few who were.

I only say this because I don’t want anyone reading my review to think that I’ve taken up the flag of war and am ripping the movie because I think these folks are big poopy heads and I don’t like meanies. For any review, whether I know the creators or not, I always give my honest opinions. ABOUT THE MOVIE. If a movie is great, I’ll say so. If it’s a total train wreck, I’ll say that, too, regardless of the creators being total shitbags or Mother Theresa reincarnate.

We good? Good. Let’s get to the review. SPOILERS: More than likely I’ll let a few plot points and spoilers loose in the hopes that will keep anyone from watching the film themselves.

Lurking Terror is a 2002 indie horror about a backwoods family that must sacrifice total strangers to a centuries-old curse on their town of Bridelson and the family line. If they don’t, The Evil will come and destroy them all. And sometimes, when they’ve got more than one person to choose from, they’ll sacrifice one and BBQ the other.

The movie starts with three fugitives on the run from police. Honestly, I don’t remember their names but I want to say they are Reggie, Betty, and Kenny (and if I’m wrong, does it really matter?). Reggie has been shot and they need to find help. After pulling off the road, they stumble through the woods toward a house in the distance. After Kenny is killed by The Evil, the other two hide out in the house and receive help from its owner.

Only he ain’t helping them. He’s leading them into a trap - into the waiting arms, and cage, of the family. Betty will be sacrificed to The Evil and Reggie…well, he’s wounded and won’t make a proper offering. Plus, they haven’t eaten well in too long so he goes on the spit! Unfortunately, before they can enjoy him (blargh), Deputy Laura shows up in her search for the fugitives.

They get the jump on her and lock her up with Betty. But, because BEWBS, the two sons get suckered into her cage where she promptly knocks them out. She and Laura escape in a stolen truck, leaving the family to be taken by The Evil, or even just each other as tempers and fears arise.

But just as you think our two heroines are in the clear, The Evil hitches a ride on their getaway buggy. After Betty slams on the brakes in an attempt to shake it loose, The Evil pops up and snatches Laura from her tentative grasp on freedom and safety.

The closing shot is of “some woman” listening to a news broadcast in her car as the announcer talks about the missing deputy. Just then the car passes the sign to Bridelson where Deputy Laura’s head sits atop a pike.

HOW DOES NO ONE NOTICE THIS??

 

Oy, where to begin? Let me get all the bad out of the way first (believe it or not, there are a couple things I enjoyed while watching).

The acting is absolute trash. Not exactly unexpected though. The original music is amateur. It sounds like any indie horror movie soundtrack with its distortion effects and gruff voicing. Completely generic. Camera/photography is shoddy at best whether for regular shooting or shaking the camera for effect. Editing is terrible and the slo-mo effect was overused and unnecessary (except in one instance which I’ll touch on in a minute). The blood and guts practical effects are...okay.

The sound is uneven. It seemed they only had one or two mics so not every character’s lines could be heard well within the same scene. But at least there wasn’t a lot of disparity between the dialogue and the sound effects. I never felt the need to grab gauze because my ears started bleeding from decibel overload. 

The story is derivative, unoriginal, filled with cliche characters. Way too many exposition dumps, character ramblings, confusing actions, and things that just made no sense. Examples: After taking off her bra to seduce the brothers, does Betty really have time to put it back ON before escaping? I mean, is that a priority here? And how are members of the family confused that The Evil took their “livestock” after they chained it to a tree, like they do with their sacrifices?

By the way, using the word livestock as code for your human BBQ victims…*eye roll*

The Evil itself is confusing. Is it only supposed to attack those from the original bloodlines that incorporated Bridelson or literally anyone on the land, aside from the sacrifices? Because it seemed to do whatever the fuck it wanted. One family character spits out a quick factoid about The Evil not acting normal, which happened once before, but they never expand on that.

With all that said, though, I did find a few things about this flick enjoyable.

Jamie White, who played Deputy Laura, was actually fantastic. Her acting was top notch and she played the only character I gave a damn about. I’m surprised, and a little sad, she didn’t pursue an acting career. Her final scene was the only time the slo-mo effect worked really well as The Evil snatched her up. It’s a great shot.

The daughter of the family pretending to be a captive before her mother scolds her to help the others - I actually laughed out loud at that part.

The Evil creature itself was pretty cool. We never really get a long close look at it during the film but that may have added to its mystique. I have seen a few still images of it and the overall design is great - giant teeth, moss covered body, and long savage claws and teeth make for a creepy creature!

Unfortunately, those few bits are all that’s worthy in this 74-minute pile of hot, steaming garbage. I can’t honestly encourage anyone to watch this just for those few morsels. Avoid this like the clap, people.

1/4 hatchet (out of 5)

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Movie Review: Farmer's Daughters (1976) (Impulse Pictures/Synapse Films)

Reviewed by: Rick L. Blalock - October 22, 2015

Starring :                                                           

Gloria Leonard

Susan McBain

Nancy Dare 
Marlene Willoughby

John Black

Spalding Gray

Philip Marlowe

Zebedy Colt

Bill Cort

Synopsis

An innocent afternoon of spying on their parents having sex (and then forcibly sexually assaulting the farm hand) turns even more vile for three daughters when escaped convicts pick their farm to hide from the cops! A horrifying, hardcore afternoon of assault, torture and incest follows as the convicts take advantage of the entire family, culminating in a shocking, perverted game of “Simon Says” and a weirdly mixed and edited final montage. This film is the very definition of “hardcore,” and one of the most eyebrow raising films in the Impulse Pictures library!

(Runtime - 61 minutes)

Will be released on DVD on November 10, 2015 (Impulse Pictures/Synapse Films)

Movie Review: Countess Dracula (1970, Blu-ray / DVD)

What do you get when you mix blood, murder, virgins, and a selfish, manipulative, homicidal crazy who doesn’t want to get older? Elizabeth Nádasdy, aka Countess Bathory. Hammer Films brings us Countess Dracula, a campy little vehicle perfect for the sultry beauty of Ingrid Pitt, our luscious little noble.

Countess Dracula is the story of Elizabeth Bathory and her horrific crimes committed against the young and nubile ladies in her neighborhood. We open with the funeral of the Countess’s husband and how she ogles Imre, the son of her husband’s best friend. I have to admit he is pretty but I’ve always been a sucker for a cleft chin.

At the reading of the Count’s will, Fabio, the castle Historian (who knew there was such a thing?) and Imre are very happy. But Captain Dobi dislikes inheriting the armory and the Countess is pissed she has to share her estate with Ilona, her and the Count’s daughter. Just because you can have kids doesn’t mean you should. What a bitch.

You'll Sweat Blood! "Death Spa" Splatters Blu-ray and DVD This Summer from Dark Sky!

NEWS ON THE OFFICIAL RELAUNCH OF THE GORGON BRAND WILL BE ANNOUNCED EARLY SUMMER 2014!

Movie Review: Knights of Badassdom (2013, Blu-ray)

I’ve never been into Dungeons and Dragons. I was never a gamer; I don’t own any hexagonal dice; I didn’t even read any fantasy novels until I was well into my 20s. But I adore going to the Renaissance Festival every year. Most times I even dress up. I love seeing people immerse themselves in any kind of experience from cosplay to LARPing. So if I enjoyed this flick, I can only imagine how much it speaks to those who take the role-playing/reenacting life more seriously than I ever have.

Knights of Badassdom stars Ryan Kwanten as Joe, a doom metal musician whose super hot girlfriend dumps him because she wants more from life. Joe’s friend and roommate, Eric (Steve Zahn), thinks he needs to get over it by joining him and their good friend, Hung (Peter Dinklage), in a Live Action Role Playing experience over the weekend. Joe reluctantly agrees.

During a LARPing ritual, Eric pulls out an ancient book and picks a random page from which to read. Unfortunately for everyone involved in this weekend’s happenings, the book is an authentic spell manual created by demons that were accidentally summoned by a monk back in the 1600s. Eric calls up a demon succubus that wreaks havoc upon the festival goers. Once they realize it’s not part of the game and that the world is in some serious shit, our band of merry pranksters must accept the terrifying truth and complete a real quest to vanquish the evil.

When I first saw ads and articles about this movie I got very excited. I love the idea of some everyday folks that play at Lord of the Rings are faced with real evil and must use their fake fighting skills to save the day. It didn’t hurt that Ryan Kwanten and Steve Zahn were two of the stars. And for the fellas (and Firefly fans) out there, Summer Glau plays Gwen who can kick some serious ass with her foam swords.