Christmas Horror Capsule Reviews

I realize there are more holiday movies to watch than I could fully analyze. So I thought it might be fun to do capsule reviews of holiday horrors that are available on streaming services. Obviously, I don’t have access to all of them so let’s hit up what’s on Tubi.

And if you don’t know what Tubi is, why are you even here? You’re obviously not one of us. Off you must fuck.

DISCLAIMER: I decided to just highlight Tubi because after watching nine films, I wanted to set myself on fire. Ain’t no way I can watch the twenty offerings remaining on Tubi, let alone manage everything else on Prime, Shudder, YouTube, and Netfl…well, maybe not Netflix.

Do. Better. Netflix. (But don’t get rid of your Korean dramas, I beg you.)

Annyeonghaseyo

Holiday Hell

A woman goes into a curio shop to find a Christmas gift for her sister. The shopkeeper regales her with the terrifying tales of different items.

Jeffrey Combs. That’s it. That’s the only reason you need to go watch this. Do it. NOW. Seriously, this is the best film on the list and has a nice, if not predictable, little twist at the end.

 

Hell on the Shelf

A movie of found footage from a paranormal investigative crew in a supposedly haunted house.

Nothing new here. The origin story is about a pair of twin boys who fought over an Andy Elf doll, a doll that possesses whoever touches it and brings a bad fate, and one boy ends up dead. Terrible acting. Cheap effects for camera footage. Don’t worry about blinking and missing something because there’s nothing subtle here. It’s like Ghost Adventures up in this bitch, and I don’t mean that as a compliment.

 

The Killing Tree

Years ago a psycho killed a bunch of people he thought didn’t celebrate Christmas the right way. After his execution, his grieving widow puts his soul into a Christmas tree. Now he can continue his murder spree and finally kill the one that got away.

Just terrible; goofy special f/x; incredibly thin plot. Everything is awful.

It really is

The 12 Slays of Christmas

Three titty women become stranded in a snowstorm and take shelter in a mansion owned by a creepy old dude. He shares a plethora of terrifying tales with them, twelve to be exact.

The creepy old man, Ignacio Harrington (great name), is a fun character and the actor is fantastic. The three women can’t act for shit and the one who plays Christine looks like she has pink eye. It’s very distracting. But this is a most egregious self-service “film.” The twelve tales are basically trailers or snippets from eleven different Full Moon features, and the twelfth slay was the three women turning into monsters and killing the old man. Ooops, spoiler alert. This was a trailer compilation disguised as an anthology. As much as I love Charles Band, I was kinda mad when I finished this up. Luckily, it’s only forty minutes.

 

Sister Krampus

Two sisters visiting Europe during Christmas time cross paths with Sister Krampus, bride to the horrifying anti-Claus.

The nun gets involved with Krampus after Mother Superior kicks her out of the convent for DARING to be raped by American Soldiers (during WW2). In the present day she binds herself to one of the sisters. Not really sure why but do I care? No. Should anyone? Also no. The only important part is that after destroying the nun, Krampus is so relieved to be rid of the bitch that he restores life to murdered loved ones of the women who helped him out.

I just…ugh.

 

He Knows

Masked killer Sammy the Elf kills all the naughty folks in a small town during the holidays.

Sammy the Elf is pretty damned creepy and I loved the practical effects for the kills. But the end…whaaaa?

Nutcracker Massacre

A novelist visiting her family at Christmas becomes reacquainted with a mysterious Nutcracker doll with a mind and agenda of its own.

Okay, the “doll” is actually a 6’ figure. Who the fuck has a 6-foot tall Nutcracker in their house? The characters are poorly written; the story is the most convoluted bullshit ever. However, points for practical effects and a literal nutcracker death. But Patrick Bergen…what the fuck happened to you that you’re involved with this pile of shit?

 

Psycho Santa

The husband half of a bickering couple, traveling to a family gathering, teases his wife with stories about the legend of a backwoods killer Santa.

While I can appreciate the tales about Santa’s murder spree being shown instead of told, the acting is awful, obligatory nudity tiresome, and the back and forth from the stories to the couple driving gets boring after a while. There is SO MUCH FUCKING FILLER in every scene. This could have been thirty minutes shorter. In fact, it should never have existed at all.

 

Psycho Santa 2

The still alive but burned Psycho Santa from part 1 returns to kill everyone. Or something. I JUST CAN’T. You’re on your own to watch this one.

Cocktails engaged…

Slayed

Five years after a Christmas Eve massacre destroyed a small community, the murderer returns. But someone is ready for him.

Not really ground breaking stuff going on here but the acting is better than most everything else on this list. I have to admit to really digging the characters of Crandle (who was on scene for the original massacre five years prior) and Jordan (the new security guard with a secret – or not really; it’s kind of obvious actually.)

 

All righty. That’s all I could handle this time around. Maybe I’ll try to do this every year but spread it out over a few weeks so I don’t need to get blackout drunk in order to survive with my sanity intact. But I’ve linked the trailers for the capsules and for each offering in the list below.

 

Happy Holidays!

 

Elves

Nights before Christmas

Chrismassacre (no trailer available)

All Through the House

Santa Claws (couldn't find a trailer for this - it's from 1996 if that helps!)

Once Upon a Time at Christmas

Good Tidings

*Jack Frost

Mother Krampus

Christmas Craft Fair Massacre

*A Christmas Horror Story

All the Creatures Were Stirring

The Christmas Tapes

Black Christmas (2006)

*Better Watch Out

Unholy Night

The Santa Suicides

Hogfather

Amityville Christmas Vacation

A Christmas Slay

Silent Night Bloody Night

*Christmas Evil

Slay Belles

*Rare Exports

Bunch of Riff Trax: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians; Magic ChristmasTree; Santa Claus; Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

 

*These are actually very well done films, or so bad they’re highly entertaining, so I do recommend you watch them.

Achoura (2018) Movie Review

Most of you here know that modern horror isn’t exactly my bag. More often than not, today’s indie horror movies suck major donkey dick. So it’s kinda nice to be pleasantly surprised from time to time with a decent horror film made after 1985.

Ladies and gents, I give you Achoura.

SPOILERS: I will do my best to make this a spoiler-free review, but as I’m drinking coffee with Baileys right now, I guarantee nothing.

Achoura is actually the name of a Moroccan religious celebration, also known as Child’s Night. Kids get to run around, play, splash water on each other, dance, gather around a bonfire, and have a night to revel in pure innocence and joy. The movie begins with such a celebration that happened “a long time ago.” A young girl and boy, obviously quite infatuated with each other, run off to the corn field to have a deep conversation. Bashira (who is A CHILD, I will remind you) is married to a man who’s probably older than me. The boy (I don’t think his name ever comes up), promises to take care of her if they run away together. She gives him a flute she made for him, saying he should blow that every time he thinks of her.

Daaawww. Honestly, they’re adorable together.

But before they can make plans to run away, the ball and chain comes looking for the pair. The young kids hide in an abandoned house in the middle of the cornfield. While hiding, the husband, acting like the gross pedophile he is, is shuffling through the house, threatening to beat Bashira when he finds her. Her boy crush bursts forth to fight the old man but gets the man’s belt around his throat for his trouble.

Luckily, Bashira jumps out and hits her husband over the head with a two-by-four. Saving her crush, they smile until…a dark, smoky mass on the ceiling forms, reaches down, and takes Bashira!

And that is the opening of the film, before the credits even begin to roll!

Flash forward to present day. Ali and Nadia are a married couple with issues. Ali is a police officer who works too much and blames himself for not finding a serial kidnapper; Nadia is a teacher exhausted by her husband’s lack of presence; their son, Youssef, is caught in the middle. Their friend, Stephan, invites them to his art exhibit where his work depicts some quite terrifying imagery. Stephan has remembered something from their past and it’s time for them to remember, too.

Kid, you are on my LAST nerve.

And everything comes rushing back to their collective memories once Samir, Ali’s brother who disappeared twenty years earlier, shows up. The film bounces back and forth between this present day and to the horrible afternoon twenty years earlier when Samir vanished and the group encountered the monster that took him, a monster that feeds on the innocence of children. Now, they must work together to figure out where the creature is, how they can trap it, and how to destroy it.

 

Okay, that’s all the detail I’ll give. I probably gave away too much about the opening scene anyway.

First let me say that this is the first horror movie I’ve watched/reviewed that’s based on Moroccan folklore. The opening scene is spoken in Arabic (I’m not sure which style of Arabic it is, or if it’s Amazigh, aka Berber) and the present day and twenty-year flash back scenes are spoken in French. So there’s just culture flying all over the place here. I also appreciate that the writers created the character of Bashira’s husband. My guess is child marriages were common at the time (even though we don’t have an exact timeframe, based on character development we can infer around 70 years ago), and child marriages do still happen today. Not sure if writer included this as a protesting statement or trying to imply it only happened ages ago.

*shrug* It’s just a cultural difference that many of us, I hope, have little to no experience with.

The whole opening scene built great tension. First we’re scared for Bashira as she and her friend talk about her husband; then the husband looking for them through the house and attacking the boy; and finally the black creature that snatches up Bashira.

The cinematography is great, but I love films that take place in locations I’ve never been. We get to see a country’s landscape – natural and man-made – and how the day/night affects the story within each setting. The original musical score blends well with each scene and never pulls the viewer out of the action.

The acting is fantastic. The two reunion scenes, between Ali and Samir and Stephan and Samir, moved me to tears. Omar Lotfi as Samir does an excellent job portraying a man who’s been captive since a boy and can’t quite pull off being a normal adult. Younes Bouab as Ali is a little one-dimensional, but then I think Ali doesn’t have much depth in general. He’s a typical gruff police detective with anger issues. And that’s okay! Even the child actors playing the four friends in the flashback carried their scenes well.

Do NOT make me use my mom voice.

The pacing starts to drag about halfway through, but most films do to be honest. Once we get to the final third of the film, the action picks back up. I will say, though, the final scenes leading to the climax of the film are VERY reminiscent of the book and movie, “IT”. The whole idea of long-ago friends having to get back together and go down underground to face the monster they encountered long ago…yeah. Just instead of a cosmic spider monstrosity, picture a pale-faced, 10-foot-tall black-eyed demon. Cool? Cool.

The little bits of CGI in the film aren’t great. They aren’t the worst I’ve ever seen but they did knock me off my suspension of disbelief bridge. Though I have to say it wasn’t difficult to climb back on and continue., especially since the demon itself is tits.

One of the best elements of this movie, though, is the story. Not just the Moroccan folklore, but the idea that evil can never be stopped; it can only be contained. As we watch the main characters battling this terrible demon, in the end, there’s nothing they can do but make the most heartbreaking decision possible to save the rest of the world.

Ow. My heart.

So, if you’re not opposed to reading subtitles (not sure if there’s an English dubbed version out there), I highly suggest taking a bite out of this little slice of Moroccan horror. You won’t regret it.

Four hatchets (out of 5)

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DEMIGOD (2021) Movie Review

I hate to admit that I’m leery of modern horror films. More often than not, they’re turds hiding in shitty CGI with no originality. But for some reason - maybe the slick trailer got me - I wanted to give this one a try. And I have to say, I’m not 100% disappointed. So, there’s that.

I will do my best not to reveal any spoilers as this movie just came out a couple of weeks ago. So this will probably be a short review!

The basic story of Demigod is this: After Robin’s grandfather dies, she and her husband, Leo, return to Germany, where she was born and lived as a small child. There they find a dark secret waiting for them.

 

It seems jumping on the pagan/witch bandwagon is a thing now. It was a huge trope in the sixties and seventies, where the witches worshipped Satan, killed babies, and put hexes on people. Then the nineties gave us movies like The Craft and Practical Magic which, at the very least, gave us some accurate basics of witchcraft and paganism. And then The VVitch came out and threw the witchcraft trial victims right under the horse cart and perpetuated the untruth of witches worshipping Satan and killing babies.

Fucking trolls.

At least the people of Demigod have returned to the more basic truths of paganism and witchcraft, and wrapped them in the folklore of Germany, specifically the Black Forest. Think deep dark woods, hunting, horned god, sacrifice, etc. You see where this is going?

That’s all I’m going to tell you because any more would really give away too much. So let me talk about the good aspects of the film.

Is there something on my face? Here? This side? Did I get it?

 

•   The cinematography and location shoots are gorgeous. Atmosphere fits each scene and situation well. I never felt pulled out of the story because something was off in the surroundings.

•   Pacing is just right. There is a good buildup with character introductions, backstory building, scene setting. Then at about the halfway mark, the shit hits the fan.

•   Acting is excellent. I only recognized one actress (Rachel Nichols, who played Robin) but everyone else matched her skills. I was personally impressed with the child, Rachel Ryals, who played Amalia, and Miles Doleac who played Amalia’s father, Arthur. What really impressed me is that of the actors playing the German natives, only ONE was born there. Maybe she helped with dialect and accents but whatever the case, I really thought German actors were hired for this movie. Good job everyone!

•   I did really like a few lines of dialogue: “The night has come to kill the day. Sleep well.” - Arthur (okay, thanks for creeping me out, dude). “I’m nobody’s servant.” - Robin. She ended up being pretty strong, not as bad ass as Amalia, but that line gave me goosebumps.

Da fuq did you just say to me?

And now for the bad.

•   The actual demigod, Cernnous (I think that was the name - honestly, they called him a dozen different things) looked straight up like a guy running around in a bull mask. Bad CGI for his mouth movement, random use of glowing eyes, and a rambling speech near the end about ritual and servants and blah blah blah.

•   Either too long establishing shots (walking up a path or whatever) and some long speeches about traditions and ritual and blah blah blah pulls the viewer out of the experience.

•   Robin is a relatively smart character but it takes a lot of her asking “What?” “What do you mean?” “I don’t understand” before the story can progress, while the rest of us are waiting for her to catch up.

•   Glomming onto the witch trend, making them evil and murdery (even if it’s explained as for a ‘higher’ purpose) still pisses me off to no end.

So aside from these few issues, overall the film is entertaining and interesting. I don’t think it was released in theaters but you can rent it on Amazon. Maybe you should check it out!

3 hatchets (out of 5)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Divine Fury (2019) Movie Review

I actually didn’t plan to write up a review on this film. I wanted to spend the evening watching a Korean horror movie and just enjoy it. WELL…it’s the next day and I’m still thinking about how much I liked the film, despite its few flaws, and wanted to share, okay? STOP ASKING STUPID QUESTIONS!

Anyway…

Since this film just came out a couple of years ago, I will do my best to remain spoiler free. I don’t promise shit, but I’ll try.

The Divine Fury is, at its core, a movie about faith. It’s dressed up with MMA fighting and bare chested healthy young men (*ROWR*), kick ass fight scenes, cool special effects, and a kicking soundtrack. But if you take all that away, it’s about faith. And I think I can even stretch that to say it doesn’t necessarily have to be about faith in one God. It could apply to faith in anything or anyone.

Let me break it down a bit more.

Yong-hu has grown up (movie starts off with him around 10 years old perhaps?) without a mom. She died during childbirth. He and his dad, a local police officer, live out their days as happily as they can. Right off the bat, the issue of faith in God and the power of prayer is established in Yong-hu. He doesn’t understand that even though his dad prayed really hard, Yong-hu’s mom still died. And after his father is severely injured in a hit and run, the local priest tells Yong-hu that if he prays really hard, God will save his dad.

Well, what do you suppose happens?

From that moment on, Yong-hu has no faith, doesn’t believe in God, and every time he sees a cross or some kind of Christian religious symbolism, he flies into a rage. 20 years later that helps with his MMA career, but his soul? Not so much. By holding on to that hatred and anger, he allows demons to surround him at all times. The voice in his head, that he thinks is just his own, is the manipulation demons uses against him.

After suffering from nightmares, Yong-hu develops a stigmata in his right palm. Not sure what to do, his driver suggests a legit shaman – the driver’s niece. She tells Yong-hu he needs to go find a priest at a church not far from his home and he’ll help.

Yong-hu finds the priest during a hella exorcism and ends up helping the older priest on his missions. During all of these, we learn of the Black Bishop, someone who uses religious rights to summon demons. This BB is in town and he’s wreaking havoc. They need to stop him PDQ.

Evil never looked so sexy...

In his journey helping Father Ahn exorcise demons, Yong-hu realizes that his father’s ring, and the energy his father passed along before he crossed over to Heaven, gave Yong-hu some powerful blood that can dispel demons. Handy that he’s got stigmata, amirite? His blood and a little douse of Holy Water sets those demons aflame and back to Hell. So Yong-hu ends up battling the Black Bishop, saving everyone in town from the powers of evil.

 

Now, full disclosure for anyone new, I have a bias toward South Korean television and movies. I’m addicted to K-dramas, to put it bluntly, and Korea does a great job with horror films. So I probably liked this movie more than a ‘normal’ person would. There are flaws here, for sure, but for the most part I could overlook them because I enjoyed so many other aspects of the film.

For the bad: this movie is 2 hours and 15 minutes. No movie needs to be that long, seriously. Not just for the short attention span folks of my generation (I blame MTV) but also just the comfort level. I can’t imagine watching this in a theater. Even from my cozy couch, my back got stiff and I fidgeted a lot to remain comfortable. We didn’t need four to five examples of how the bad guy gets what he wants from the main demon. That was established with two. Didn’t need three to four exorcisms with Father Ahn to understand how taxing and difficult they are. Not exactly sure how the awkward fan interactions with Yong-hu progressed the story in any way (spoiler: they didn’t).

Bitch, I look good.

The CGI was a mixed bag. I always appreciate practical effects when they can be utilized, but I do understand some stuff just has to be done by computer. Unfortunately, some of it was not the highest quality and came off as cartoonish. But some was really cool and certainly enhanced the story. As for the story, most of it is well written and developed. Though there are quite a few trite and cliché moments throughout the film, you quickly forget about them as the action picks up or the character development progresses.

Mostly those were my issues. The story, cinematography, soundtrack, fight choreography, editing, sound, acting, and directing certainly made up for any flaws. Many of these can be subjective (any kind of artistic direction or music choice, for sure) but there’s no doubt as to the acting talent. Park Seo-jun (Yong-hu) shows us a young man consumed with anger toward God who then evolves and can finally let go of that blackness to help those in need. Ahn Sung-ki (Father Ahn) has been acting since he was 5-years old. Though Father Ahn is fighting demons throughout the film, the character is so gentle and patient with Yong-hu, despite the younger man’s vitriol aimed at him.

But I think my favorite actor was Woo Do-hwan (Ji-Sin, aka The Black Bishop). He plays this attractive, smooth, unassuming club owner. His subversive nature, though, is in service of a terrible snake demon and the way he manipulates people to do what he wants is rather unnerving. He has no qualms about removing ANY obstacle and doing what’s necessary to achieve his evil goals. And guess what? He didn’t need to kill the dog to show us. Now, what he does with the dog…I won’t tell you but (and maybe this makes me a monster) it was awesome.

Also his transformation at the end looked pretty fucking tits. From what I could tell, it was practical latex/foam or something to that effect. Looked completely real and natural, you know, as far as a snake demon would look. Even as he pulled off his wet cloak, it looked like a snake shedding its skin. So fucking cool.

So if you enjoy a good versus evil story, redemption films, or demons in general (and who doesn’t??), and you don’t mind reading subtitles (please don’t watch dubbed foreign films if you don’t have to), check out The Divine Fury. You won’t be disappointed.

3.5 Hatchets (out of 5)

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Dark House (2014) Movie Review

If you can believe it, sometimes I’m more leery of modern horror than ‘vintage’. I know, unheard of, right? But every now and again, I like to live dangerously. Sometimes it pays off, sometimes not. In this case…um, yes?

(WARNING: I do spoil movies because I have no self-control. So if you haven’t seen this, stop reading, go watch the movie, then come back.)

Dark House is about Nick DiSanto. When he was eight years old, his mother committed herself to an asylum. The main reason is because when Nick touches people, he can see their death. Not just a regular death, though. It has to be something sooper bad, like being chopped up by an axe murder or something. I guess that was a little stressful on mom.

And now, here we are, on Nick’s 23^rd birthday, and he gets a call from the asylum. In all these years, his mother has never wanted to see him – or anyone, for that matter – but today she specifically requested a visit from her long-abandoned son. Naturally, she’s a bit scared to look at him (guilt, fear, take your pick) but once she makes that connection, she tells Nick that his father isn’t dead; yes, I’ve known who he is all along; he’s coming for you.

Nick’s a bit pissed, as you might imagine, and grabs her, demanding the truth. He sees her horrible death – she’s on fire – before her warning turns into babbling and Nick just wants the fuck out. His roommate is waiting outside the asylum so they can go party and drink and celebrate Nick’s birthday. Nick wants to drink away his problems anyway, so let’s go.

He meets Eve, who will soon become his best gal. When he touches her, he doesn’t have the violent visions of death. Well, that’s convenient. So they hang out, talk about life, the crazy coincidences with the number 23 (gee, I wonder if that’s going to come back at all…), deal with some assholes who want to really know if Nick can see their deaths, blah blah. Commence the lovey-dovies, she gets pregnant, and they’re happy. UNTIL…

We get a quick scene with mom as she talks to the voice in her vent. Yeah, she’s crazy. The voice is angry, though, because she didn’t give Nick the 4-1-1 on HIM (the voice) so he (the voice) sets mom on fire, which in turn, burns the whole asylum down. Eight months later, Nick gets a call from a judge about his mother’s will. Nick didn’t even know she had one, but he discovers that she had the deed to a house that is now his. But the weirdest part (aside from the judge talking to the voice in his vent after Nick leaves) is that Nick has been drawing a particular house his whole life, thinking it was just something he imagined. Turns out the house he now owns is the house from his imagination – or memory. It MUST have a clue about his dad.

Now Nick, Eve (eight months pregnant, btdubs), and roomie, Ryan, head out to find this house in the backwater town of Rivers End. That house he’s searching for is a bit of a local legend. It’s known as Wormwood and was washed away in the Black Water Flood 23 years ago (hey, 23 again…). With the help of some rando land surveyors, Kris, Sam, and Lilith, they actually find the house intact.

Yes, that’s impossible but nevertheless, here we are.

Not only is the house still intact, but a man, Seth, has been there for years, “working” on it. So get the fuck out. Though he lets Nick come in for a bit, explaining that God brought the flood to get rid of this house and Seth’s been trying to tear it down ever since. Then he tosses Nick out and says never return. Cue the three creepy loping guys carrying hatchets that chase everyone off the property. Unfortunately, Sam is killed, Kris is nearly killed, and Lilith is being all weird with Eve.

GET OFF MY LAWN, YOU DAMN KIDS!

This is when things start taking a sideways path, folks.

The group goes back to town for help but it’s completely empty. At least, it LOOKS empty to them, even though the place is bustling with activity. Only one person can actually see the group as they’re searching for aid, Lucky, one of the townsfolk that goes AND TALKS TO A VOICE IN A FUCKING VENT.

Next thing we know, the group is back at the house, even though they drove 30 miles away from it. They’ve got to take shelter inside for the night and then figure out what to do in the morning. Seth and the Lopers are outside watching the house but he instructs them to stay put. They’ll know when to go back inside.

Wait, what?

Nick dreams about a hidden door in the house, as well as his mom in the vent who tells Nick she’s trapped, just like his father. He needs to release them both – go open the cellar! And yep, when he wakes up, he goes in search of that door. Chris seems awfully helpful about getting that door open, too. Each time they open it though, the Lopers come to life and charge the house. But once they close the door, the Lopers just stand still. So the group weaves their way through them, hoping to go find their car, and GTFO.

Unfortunately, they get separated. Nick and Ryan find Sam’s body and discover he’s not quite…human. Lilith and Eve find the car and hide, but Lilith ain’t so human either. Luckily, Seth shows up and kills Lilith because she was going to EAT EVE’S BABY.

And now we finally find out what the hell is going on – literally. Lilith, Sammael (Sam), and Kristoff (Kris) are all demons of hell. Their purpose was to destroy the baby, get Nick into the house to open the cellar, and invite his dad (which we assume is Satan) into the living realm. But it could only be done by Satan’s human son during his 23^rd year of life (there’s that pesky 23 again). Seth has been trying to destroy the house since the flood. The Lopers are actually God’s Gargoyles (that’s what Kristoff calls them) and working for Seth.

Kris and Nick meet up and, yep, Nick ends up in the house and…Eve and Ryan find him covered in blood with an axe sticking out of his back. Oh don’t worry, he’s still alive. The other two try to convince him to leave, but Nick’s mad that everyone tried to stop him, and his dad. Little tussle ensues and Eve wakes up in the hospital, after having given birth to a son. Seth saved her ass and told her it’s time for her to forget Nick and move on.

Four years later, Eve’s son is at the kitchen table, drawing the same house Nick drew his whole life, while listening to a voice COMING OUT OF THE FUCKING VENT.

Nope, nope, nope, fucking nope. 

Lots to unpack here…

Look, this story is nothing new. It’s not particularly original or inventive or groundbreaking. Throughout my notes, I called a lot of the big twists or reveals because, as a horror lover, I’ve seen and read this trope dozens of times. The hints scattered throughout the movie are giant sourdough loaves. But that doesn’t make the movie less enjoyable.

The main characters are believable and grounded in reality, as much as they can be in a ‘bring Satan to the world’ film. Even the minor characters, no matter how short their screen time, are necessary pieces of the overall puzzle and I can’t imagine how the story would have worked without them.

The acting is fantastic. Tobin Bell plays Seth and he’s probably the most likeable, even when you don’t know his true purpose until later. He has great presence on screen, a perfect choice for Seth. Lacy Anzelc played Lilith and from the get-go, she’s ‘off’, you know? She played the demon with such subtlety. You didn’t know why she got under your skin; she just did. Ethan S. Smith as Samael came off as this meek, bumbling dork but in reality, Samael is an assassin for Hell, so he needed to cover up his true purpose. Zach Ward as Kristoff was the demon that can create illusions – like the empty town, driving in circles, etc. So all their confusion was his doing. How cool is that? Also, I adore Zach Ward.

The music was great through the whole movie. It was used particularly well for building tension. There were a few times the pacing lagged, but the music helped bring it back on track. Editing, cinematography, production, direction, makeup, set design, and wardrobe were all great. I loved the look of the Gargoyles. We never got to see their faces and the way they loped through their attack scenes was so creepy. They were one of my favorite things in the film. Them and the 1950s Cadillac that Ryan drove.

With all the good, there has to be some bad. Like I said before, the story is a well-known trope. The devil has a son and needs him to bring hell on earth is not new. So, for me, it was easy to figure out what was going on relatively early. And I never know what the fuck is happening in movies so when I can figure it out, that’s bad.

A lot of elements in the storytelling were OBVIOUSLY used as double meanings or foreshadowing. Even some of the simple names and terms were elbow nudges to the testicles about what was going on. The whole bar scene discussion about the number 23; calling the house Wormwood; Lilith’s name; etc. Now maybe, if you’re not that familiar with the Bible or Christianity or the tv show, Supernatural, none of this would trigger any bells for you. But I am – I attended catholic school for eleven, and four of Lutheran college. I was named after a nun, for crying out loud. Lots of predictability here.

While the rest of production was great, the sound was terrible. And the worst kind of terrible: quiet dialogue and EAR BLEEDING DECIBLES FOR THE SOUND EFFECTS. I can forgive a lot of stuff in films if I’m entertained and not checking my watch all the time, but not crap audio balance.

Also, I was checking my watch from time to time. The pacing is uneven and the story drags in several places.

I have to say, overall, that this is an enjoyable film. Despite its flaws, the good outweighs a lot of the bad. I almost want to go back and watch again just to see if there are any other clues I may have missed (doubtful, but I’m not perfect).

2.5 hatchets (out of 5)

 

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