Camp Blood Christmas - Movie Review

 

So, when I heard there was a movie that brought David C. Hayes out of (acting) retirement, you bet your SWEET ASS that I was going to see it no matter the cost. Luckily for me, David is my friend, and he obviously considers me the same because he brought me a copy of it, Blu Ray no less, when it became available.

And just in time for Christmas, here is my review of the 2025 film, Camp Blood Christmas.

NOTE: I won’t be spoiling any plot points as this film LITERALLY just came out. People need to experience this film on their own terms.

The basic idea is this: a group of misfits answers a job ad for a new Santa Snow Camp, a winter excursion place for kids to enjoy winter and Santa Clause and all that crap. Aside from the delay of the food and supplies guy, Carl, everything seems to be going swimmingly. But then, Gary, the hired Santa Clause, shares the bloody massacre-prone history of the location of the new camp.

Turns out it was a regular camp at one time until there were a bunch murders committed by the Clown Killer.

Fun fact: the opening credits consist of snippets from many of the previous fourteen Camp Blood movies.

You heard me. FOUR-FUCKING-TEEN. (Depending on who you talk to, it could only be fourteen total films which means snippets from THIR-FUCKING-TEEN films fill the opening credits.)

Anyway, as you might imagine, the reason Carl never showed? Seems the Clown Killer has returned. But what you might not have imagined, is the reason WHY. Whoa, PLOT TWIST! But then you probably didn’t image ANOTHER twist on top of that. It’s like the villain neck-cracking the hero right before he can save the day!

Will anyone survive this rampage? Maybe.

Will this family camp every get off the ground? Probably not.

Will we care?

Now, we all know how indie horror films usually go, don’t we? Low budget, lackluster acting, minimal continuity, terrible editing, bad sound, ridiculous plots and their giant holes, and so on and so forth. And, generally speaking, this is consistent with those issues – except sound. This is probably the first indie film I’ve watched where I didn’t need to keep adjusting the volume throughout the whole fucking thing because the dialogue was too quiet and the effects were too loud.

Good job, guys!

But yet, other than the great sound, this films lacks a lot. Character development is minimal because honestly, I really only cared about the hitch hiking, bearded, gummy dosing happy dude, Eddie (I think that’s him). Everyone else? Eh. A lot of the jokes fell flat; the dialogue felt stilted and unnatural; and way too much time was spent filming David’s butt crack.

HOWEVER…

Quite a few of the jokes landed perfectly. I personally loved the ditzy bombshell taking nudes of “down there” with her landline phone to send to her boyfriend. The story itself is pretty fun. While I will say some of the dialogue actually tells us what’s coming, the reveals and twists felt totally unexpected. The practical effects looked good (way to go, Emily Sammons, for the design on the severed penis). And it was easy to tell everyone who worked on the movie had good chemistry. They put in a lot of effort and while not perfect, it really shows their dedication.

Matt Dilts-Williams did a great job at writing a fun and entertaining story, as well as directing the cast and crew.

So if you’re interested in seeing what’s happening in the indie scene, and wouldn’t mind taking a chance on a humorous holiday horror – and David’s butt crack – get yourself a copy of Camp Blood Christmas. Don’t forget to hang around through the ending credits. That final song is pretty dang catchy.

And have a hell of a happy holiday season!

 

3 hatchets (out of 5) 

 

   

 

 

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Christmas Capsule Reviews 2024 - Part III

Well, hot damn, I did it. I set out to write up three lists of capsule reviews of the Christmas horror flicks streaming on the services I can access and here we are on list 3. Now, I didn’t watch EVERY available flick on each platform because, let’s be honest. I don’t have the patience for that shit. Plus I’ve already seen a bunch and didn’t want to revisit them here.

This list includes the movies you can watch on SHUDDER.

Carnage for Christmas 2024 (A transgender holiday film - that was specifically noted on the opening title card so I figured I’d mention it)
A true crime podcaster returns home for Christmas and gets wrapped up in the tale of a historic murderer who may have returned.

Kind of a standard trope of a story line. Nothing innovative. The acting is less than stellar except for the actress playing the podcaster, Lola. A lot of the murders and some flashback scenes are edited with artsy lighting and flashing/color changing lights. Which just infuriates me to no end (if you’re not new here, you should not be surprised but this.) And while the practical blood/gore effects are appreciated, they are terribly cheap and cheesy looking. You’re not missing much if you skip this one.

Christmas Bloody Christmas 2022
A local toy store’s robotic Santa goes haywire and starts killing everyone.

So apparently these Mall Santas are being replaced with robots built with military grade technology. But…why though? That makes no sense. The acting is better than most indie films for sure. And the kills are pretty freaking epic, practical effects and everything. But it does take a while to get there. About 30 minutes before the first kill. Some of the banter between the two main characters drags on too long and then the final boss fight is basically a rip off of The Terminator. This really could have been better as a short film.

It’s a Wonderful Knife 2023
After saving her town from a psycho killer a year earlier, Winnie finds herself in a parallel universe where, without her, things are much worse.

Kind of interesting spin on “It’s a Wonderful Life” story but much darker. High production and better acting in this. A few more recognizable name actors in this, too. I didn’t realize that going in. Justin Long was excellent! Not sure they fully explained how this alternate reality was possible because the whole implied control or something but whatevs, I guess. Or how a character from the alternate reality could remember the alternate reality once back in the regular timeline…again, whatevs. Still pretty enjoyable.

The Christmas Spirit 2023
A man has a the Spirit of Christmas trapped in his head ever since his sister’s death 20 years prior. He must kidnap a teen girl and sacrifice her in order to save Christmas.

I liked the idea of the story even though the execution kinda missed the mark. I fast-forwarded through a lot of this to just get it moving. And the climax was taking WAY to long (amirite, ladies?) But the acting is decent, the practical effects are fun, and it did get me crying at one point. So it must have plucked at least one good heart string.

The other flicks available on Shudder are:

A Creature was Stirring
Rare Exports
“A Ghost Story for Christmas”Looks like a series but not sure if they’re all Christmas related or not
Body
Day of the Beast
The Gingerdead Man
I Trapped the Devil
The Sacrifice Game
Black Christmas (OG)
SNDN 2
Holidays
Apology
A Christmas Horror Story
The Advent Calendar
All The Creatures Were Stirring
Creepshow Holiday Special
Bunch of JoeBob stuff
Deadly Games
Christmas Presence

So there you have it. 2024’s Christmas Horror offerings (on just a few of the streaming services available.) Maybe next year I’ll just pick one service and watch everything there, or just keep doing reviews this way. I guess we’ll find out in 2025.

Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and happy new year!

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Christmas Capsule Reviews 2024 – PART I

I’m trying to get an earlier start on some holiday horror flicks this year. The idea is to flog myself for three solid weeks instead of binging a bunch of crap over a couple days, like I did for 2023. I’m aiming for three separate posts - one for each streaming service I have (Tubi, Prime, and Shudder.) I’m sure there are more services I can access but let’s be real. Three is too much anyway!

Caveat: I won’t review anything I’ve already seen or reviewed before. I’m trying to hit the flicks that are new, or new to me. I’ll most likely leave a handful out because they were murder mysteries (crime spree/detective/thriller) shoehorned into the Christmas holiday.

This is my article. I do what I want.

 

TUBI

Killer Raccoons! 2! Dark Christmas in the Dark! (2020)

Newly released from prison, Casey plans to take a train out of his hometown to get a fresh start. Unfortunately, there is a group of criminals, and their killer raccoons, on the train with other ideas.

Apparently this is a parody of Dark Siege and Speed 2. If you say so…

As is expected from an indie horror/comedy, the acting is less than stellar; special effects belong on the short bus; the humor is juvenile. Now I’m the first to admit I’m secretly a 12-year-old boy. But when every line of dialogue (AND I MEAN EVERY LINE) has some kind of joke or double entendre or nudgenudgewinkwink in it, the “humor” dissipates very quickly – like a fart in the wind.

I did like the actor who played Casey, though – Yang Miller. And if you like cameos from one of the porn industry’s highly prolific sexual predators, then you’ll love this.

I did discover that this movie has similar or the same characters from 2005’s Coons! Night of the Bandits of the Night! So I guess it’s kind of a sequel, however unnecessary.

 

Santastein (2023)

One Christmas, little Max Causey accidentally kills Santa. Twelve years later, he perfects a method that will raise him from the dead!

 

Like the name implies, he’s taking parts from a bunch of bodies and Frankensteining a new Santa. And to guarantee it IS Santa, Max kept Santa’s brain. From twelve years prior. In a jar. Uh, okay…

While the sound is unbalanced, the cinematography is a thousand times better than the last flick. There are some great kills, honestly chilling moments, and gory goopy practical effects. Lots of fun.

 

 

 The Christmas Tapes (2022)

A stranger, Geoff, shows up to a family’s home under the guise of a disabled car. But it turns out he wants to make the next great Christmas classic movie. It’s a found footage/SOV type of anthology film. And the stranger shows a handful of tapes to the family, hoping to inspire the aspiring daughter filmmaker-to-be.

 

Geoff is played by none other than Greg Sestero (oh, HAI Mark.) His acting is a little stilted but not bad. He plays four tapes for the family:

1.    A travel vlogging couple summons a German scarecrow (very Blair Witch vibes.)

2.    Dad making a vlog about being boxed up like a gift to be delivered to his kids by “Santa” and “Mrs. Claus.” Unfortunately, Santa originally worked for the Dad and got fired. As you might imagine, he’s not too happy about it.

3.    Guy applies to a dating app then wakes up a prisoner to an unknown captor who’s put a chip in his head to get him to do what he wants. Very VR game visuals. And it’s SOOOPER SHORT.

4.    Couple filming themselves as they move into their new home. But they’re not alone – a haunted Santa figurine wreaks havoc and they hire a paranormal investigator, who is an absolute HOOT (played by Dave Sheridan, he of Special Officer Doofy from Scary Movie fame.)

 

Geoff ends his terrorizing evening by giving the Santa figurine to the captive family.

(*clapboard smack* FIN)

 

 

A Christmas Slay (2015)

Santa obsessed psycho killer escapes from a local hospital and attacks a group of young people in a remote lodge.

 

Loved the practical effects. The film is filled with standard tropes, and it does drag quite a bit from time to time. I adored the psycho Santa, played by Frank Jakeman, who is a little cutie patootie IMHO. Not so original twist ending, though.

Once upon a Time at Christmas (2017)

A psychotic couple, dressed as Mr. and Mrs. Claus, go on a murder spree.

 

Acting is a mixed bag. The crazy couple look pretty good but someone wanted to emulate Harley Quinn in Mrs. Claus’s hairstyle. Kinda pulled me out of the movie a bit.

Again, the cinematography is surprisingly good for an indie film, though it mostly consists of a ton of overhead shots. The blood CGI was total crap but the practical effects weren’t so bad.

The best thing, though, was the motivation or reasoning behind the killing spree. Hilarious and kinda clever. I won’t spoil it, though!

 

 

Nights Before Christmas (2019)

A four-years-later sequel to OUaTaC, the same murderous holiday couple run around killing people. Wash, rinse, repeat.

 

Basically the same critique as the first movie. They didn’t change a lot of the formula/tropes, except for the motivation. If you see the first movie, you don’t really need to watch this one.

 

 

If those little nuggets intrigue you enough to head over to Tubi (what is WRONG with you?) here’s a list of a bunch of other flicks you can watch there, too. Again, I’ve either reviewed these, seen them, or just overwhelmed myself with too much crap for one week and couldn’t bring myself to watch any more.

 

Nightmare on 34^th Street

The Killing Tree

All Through the House

Holiday Hell

Werewolf Santa*

Silent Night

13 Slays Til X-Mas

The Christmas Spirit

Down the Chimney with a Shotgun*

Nutcracker Massacre

Christmas Blood (Juleblod)

ALL the indie Krampus crap (like Mother Krampus 1 and 2, Krampus:Origins, blah blah blah)

Good Tidings (this was more thriller pretending to be a slasher but not a bad flick)

*I do want to watch these but I’ll save those for just regular viewing another time.

Tubi is free, so head over there and indulge. If you dare…

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Christmas Horror Capsule Reviews

I realize there are more holiday movies to watch than I could fully analyze. So I thought it might be fun to do capsule reviews of holiday horrors that are available on streaming services. Obviously, I don’t have access to all of them so let’s hit up what’s on Tubi.

And if you don’t know what Tubi is, why are you even here? You’re obviously not one of us. Off you must fuck.

DISCLAIMER: I decided to just highlight Tubi because after watching nine films, I wanted to set myself on fire. Ain’t no way I can watch the twenty offerings remaining on Tubi, let alone manage everything else on Prime, Shudder, YouTube, and Netfl…well, maybe not Netflix.

Do. Better. Netflix. (But don’t get rid of your Korean dramas, I beg you.)

Annyeonghaseyo

Holiday Hell

A woman goes into a curio shop to find a Christmas gift for her sister. The shopkeeper regales her with the terrifying tales of different items.

Jeffrey Combs. That’s it. That’s the only reason you need to go watch this. Do it. NOW. Seriously, this is the best film on the list and has a nice, if not predictable, little twist at the end.

 

Hell on the Shelf

A movie of found footage from a paranormal investigative crew in a supposedly haunted house.

Nothing new here. The origin story is about a pair of twin boys who fought over an Andy Elf doll, a doll that possesses whoever touches it and brings a bad fate, and one boy ends up dead. Terrible acting. Cheap effects for camera footage. Don’t worry about blinking and missing something because there’s nothing subtle here. It’s like Ghost Adventures up in this bitch, and I don’t mean that as a compliment.

 

The Killing Tree

Years ago a psycho killed a bunch of people he thought didn’t celebrate Christmas the right way. After his execution, his grieving widow puts his soul into a Christmas tree. Now he can continue his murder spree and finally kill the one that got away.

Just terrible; goofy special f/x; incredibly thin plot. Everything is awful.

It really is

The 12 Slays of Christmas

Three titty women become stranded in a snowstorm and take shelter in a mansion owned by a creepy old dude. He shares a plethora of terrifying tales with them, twelve to be exact.

The creepy old man, Ignacio Harrington (great name), is a fun character and the actor is fantastic. The three women can’t act for shit and the one who plays Christine looks like she has pink eye. It’s very distracting. But this is a most egregious self-service “film.” The twelve tales are basically trailers or snippets from eleven different Full Moon features, and the twelfth slay was the three women turning into monsters and killing the old man. Ooops, spoiler alert. This was a trailer compilation disguised as an anthology. As much as I love Charles Band, I was kinda mad when I finished this up. Luckily, it’s only forty minutes.

 

Sister Krampus

Two sisters visiting Europe during Christmas time cross paths with Sister Krampus, bride to the horrifying anti-Claus.

The nun gets involved with Krampus after Mother Superior kicks her out of the convent for DARING to be raped by American Soldiers (during WW2). In the present day she binds herself to one of the sisters. Not really sure why but do I care? No. Should anyone? Also no. The only important part is that after destroying the nun, Krampus is so relieved to be rid of the bitch that he restores life to murdered loved ones of the women who helped him out.

I just…ugh.

 

He Knows

Masked killer Sammy the Elf kills all the naughty folks in a small town during the holidays.

Sammy the Elf is pretty damned creepy and I loved the practical effects for the kills. But the end…whaaaa?

Nutcracker Massacre

A novelist visiting her family at Christmas becomes reacquainted with a mysterious Nutcracker doll with a mind and agenda of its own.

Okay, the “doll” is actually a 6’ figure. Who the fuck has a 6-foot tall Nutcracker in their house? The characters are poorly written; the story is the most convoluted bullshit ever. However, points for practical effects and a literal nutcracker death. But Patrick Bergen…what the fuck happened to you that you’re involved with this pile of shit?

 

Psycho Santa

The husband half of a bickering couple, traveling to a family gathering, teases his wife with stories about the legend of a backwoods killer Santa.

While I can appreciate the tales about Santa’s murder spree being shown instead of told, the acting is awful, obligatory nudity tiresome, and the back and forth from the stories to the couple driving gets boring after a while. There is SO MUCH FUCKING FILLER in every scene. This could have been thirty minutes shorter. In fact, it should never have existed at all.

 

Psycho Santa 2

The still alive but burned Psycho Santa from part 1 returns to kill everyone. Or something. I JUST CAN’T. You’re on your own to watch this one.

Cocktails engaged…

Slayed

Five years after a Christmas Eve massacre destroyed a small community, the murderer returns. But someone is ready for him.

Not really ground breaking stuff going on here but the acting is better than most everything else on this list. I have to admit to really digging the characters of Crandle (who was on scene for the original massacre five years prior) and Jordan (the new security guard with a secret – or not really; it’s kind of obvious actually.)

 

All righty. That’s all I could handle this time around. Maybe I’ll try to do this every year but spread it out over a few weeks so I don’t need to get blackout drunk in order to survive with my sanity intact. But I’ve linked the trailers for the capsules and for each offering in the list below.

 

Happy Holidays!

 

Elves

Nights before Christmas

Chrismassacre (no trailer available)

All Through the House

Santa Claws (couldn't find a trailer for this - it's from 1996 if that helps!)

Once Upon a Time at Christmas

Good Tidings

*Jack Frost

Mother Krampus

Christmas Craft Fair Massacre

*A Christmas Horror Story

All the Creatures Were Stirring

The Christmas Tapes

Black Christmas (2006)

*Better Watch Out

Unholy Night

The Santa Suicides

Hogfather

Amityville Christmas Vacation

A Christmas Slay

Silent Night Bloody Night

*Christmas Evil

Slay Belles

*Rare Exports

Bunch of Riff Trax: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians; Magic ChristmasTree; Santa Claus; Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

 

*These are actually very well done films, or so bad they’re highly entertaining, so I do recommend you watch them.

Giftwrapped and Gutted (2019) Movie Review

Yeah, I suck as a movie reviewer. At least in 2022. So let’s get some holiday-themed trash on the site and try harder for 2023.

Good? Good.

It only seems fitting to present some absolute crap for my first movie review since…February. Dayum. 2019’s Giftwrapped and Gutted comes to us from W.A.V.E. Productions but probably should have been flushed directly down the toilet instead of released into the world. Mall Santa Chuck is fired for too much drinking on the job. And instead of taking a hint and cleaning up his act, he uses this opportunity to stalk and kill a bunch of local waitresses, and wet t-shirt hotties, from him favorite watering hole.

I know. I don’t get it either but here we are.

But wait! Before this story gets going, we are treated to a movie within the movie. The opening few minutes are of another shitty Christmas horror movie playing on Chuck’s boss’s office tv. Whining about why these terrible films keep being made the manager THEN decides to fire Chuck.

By the way, the Manager is played by the writer/director/fx/editing/cinematography/producer guy for Giftwrapped and Gutted, Gary Whitson.

Wow, that’s sooooo meta.

Anyhoo, Chuck sulks home where he is berated by his nagging wife. He snaps and hog ties her with some Christmas lights. Somehow she manages to choke herself to death while struggling to get out of her binding, which pleases Chuck to no end, and he’s off to kill some titty women. 

The only other important details….well, maybe not ‘important’ but at least give us some inkling of the life ending asbestos plot fibers…are the waitresses are having a party at Holly’s house and then murdered one by one. There is one survivor but I won’t spoil it for you.

FUCK ME…..

I mean, when I find movies to review for CHC, I don’t expect great. I hardly expect good. But I do expect to be entertained. And kids, this is NOT the film for that. I’ve never seen a W.A.V.E. production before but from what I’ve been told, and from the title sequences alone, I can sus out what they like to bring to the table. Mostly bondage and strangling. And nips.

Let’s get all the bad out of the way first. Needless to say, but I will, all the terrible things in this flick are below (this is by no means a complete list):

·         Acting

·         Directing

·         Writing

·         Character development

·         Casting

·         Production

·         Cinematography

·         Set design

·         Green Screen

·         Special Effects

·         Sound

·         Lighting

·         Music

·         Entertainment value

 

I mean, you know it’s super low budget when two actresses are used to play two different sets of twins (Holly and Polly, Angel and Sage) and one actor plays two characters (Chick the bartender and Stripper Santa). I guess it’s a good use of the $3400 budget but…they really couldn’t find three other people to act the parts – and I use that term, act, VERY loosely.

This film could also have been better as a short. There was AT LEAST 30-40 minutes of padding time filled with inane chatter between the girls at the party, Santa Chuck prepping for murder or dragging out a final kill (if he had fabric scissors, it could have gone faster), victim struggling and whimpering, the whole ‘movie within a movie’ time waste at the start, the wet t-shirt competition, the bobbing for apples scene, etc.

Jesus take the wheel.

Believe it or not, I did appreciate a couple things. While the special effects are total crap, I do prefer practical over CGI. And there was quite a bit of it, in the opening movie clip and the main film itself. There was obvious green screen shit going on but I do like a good skin chew or flow of blood.

And yes, many scenes were padded and dragged out. But to be honest, and maybe they didn’t do this on purpose, strangling someone takes time. It’s not five-seconds of wham, bam, slam, you’re dead. I don’t expect complete realism in my movies all the time but when the rest of the flick is so fucking terrible, it’s refreshing to see this small aspect represented.

Funnily enough, two of the scenes where Chuck strangles someone are both with the actress, Debbie D. As Sage, Chuck garottes her, and as Angel, he manually strangles her. It takes a while for both of them to die. She’s convincingly believable.

But that’s about all I can praise in this shitastic shitshow. I have no intention of ever watching another W.A.V.E. Productions film. But if you’re into terrible awkward acting, wet titties, and bondage, then boy do I have the movie for you.

¼ hatchet (out of 5)

 

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