Camp Blood Christmas - Movie Review

 

So, when I heard there was a movie that brought David C. Hayes out of (acting) retirement, you bet your SWEET ASS that I was going to see it no matter the cost. Luckily for me, David is my friend, and he obviously considers me the same because he brought me a copy of it, Blu Ray no less, when it became available.

And just in time for Christmas, here is my review of the 2025 film, Camp Blood Christmas.

NOTE: I won’t be spoiling any plot points as this film LITERALLY just came out. People need to experience this film on their own terms.

The basic idea is this: a group of misfits answers a job ad for a new Santa Snow Camp, a winter excursion place for kids to enjoy winter and Santa Clause and all that crap. Aside from the delay of the food and supplies guy, Carl, everything seems to be going swimmingly. But then, Gary, the hired Santa Clause, shares the bloody massacre-prone history of the location of the new camp.

Turns out it was a regular camp at one time until there were a bunch murders committed by the Clown Killer.

Fun fact: the opening credits consist of snippets from many of the previous fourteen Camp Blood movies.

You heard me. FOUR-FUCKING-TEEN. (Depending on who you talk to, it could only be fourteen total films which means snippets from THIR-FUCKING-TEEN films fill the opening credits.)

Anyway, as you might imagine, the reason Carl never showed? Seems the Clown Killer has returned. But what you might not have imagined, is the reason WHY. Whoa, PLOT TWIST! But then you probably didn’t image ANOTHER twist on top of that. It’s like the villain neck-cracking the hero right before he can save the day!

Will anyone survive this rampage? Maybe.

Will this family camp every get off the ground? Probably not.

Will we care?

Now, we all know how indie horror films usually go, don’t we? Low budget, lackluster acting, minimal continuity, terrible editing, bad sound, ridiculous plots and their giant holes, and so on and so forth. And, generally speaking, this is consistent with those issues – except sound. This is probably the first indie film I’ve watched where I didn’t need to keep adjusting the volume throughout the whole fucking thing because the dialogue was too quiet and the effects were too loud.

Good job, guys!

But yet, other than the great sound, this films lacks a lot. Character development is minimal because honestly, I really only cared about the hitch hiking, bearded, gummy dosing happy dude, Eddie (I think that’s him). Everyone else? Eh. A lot of the jokes fell flat; the dialogue felt stilted and unnatural; and way too much time was spent filming David’s butt crack.

HOWEVER…

Quite a few of the jokes landed perfectly. I personally loved the ditzy bombshell taking nudes of “down there” with her landline phone to send to her boyfriend. The story itself is pretty fun. While I will say some of the dialogue actually tells us what’s coming, the reveals and twists felt totally unexpected. The practical effects looked good (way to go, Emily Sammons, for the design on the severed penis). And it was easy to tell everyone who worked on the movie had good chemistry. They put in a lot of effort and while not perfect, it really shows their dedication.

Matt Dilts-Williams did a great job at writing a fun and entertaining story, as well as directing the cast and crew.

So if you’re interested in seeing what’s happening in the indie scene, and wouldn’t mind taking a chance on a humorous holiday horror – and David’s butt crack – get yourself a copy of Camp Blood Christmas. Don’t forget to hang around through the ending credits. That final song is pretty dang catchy.

And have a hell of a happy holiday season!

 

3 hatchets (out of 5) 

 

   

 

 

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TAKE BACK THE NIGHT (2021) Movie Review

As I’m beginning to organize my thoughts for this review, I’m sincerely hoping that whatever rolls out of my brain pan to my fingertips doesn’t piss anyone off. I mean if it does, that’s on you, not me. However, I don’t purposefully try to hurt others if I can help it.

The only reason I’m opening with this idea is because the film I’m going to review is an amalgamation of ideas that make a lot of people angry, uncomfortable, insecure, scared, or worst of all, dismissive. So this review may take a more serious tone, perhaps show the more somber side of my psyche. More than likely this will end up long and rambling, so please bear with me.

But always remember – these are just my opinions, my thought processes. I am only speaking FOR MYSELF. So don’t take anything I write as a personal attack against you, other men or women, feminism or feminists, victims of violent crimes, etc.

In other words, don’t be a big, bubble-blowing, narcissistic baby, okay?

Glad we’re cleared that up. On to the review.

 

Take Back the Night is a 2021 film about Jane Doe, a woman who is assaulted by a supernatural shadow creature. As she tries to move on with her life in the only way she knows how – posting about her experience on social media in the hopes others will share any info on the creature she’s encountered – Jane maneuvers the world of victim blaming and shaming. The less than helpful police detective, the ambush of an ‘investigative journalist’, and the strained relationship with her only sister do not help Jane mentally recover. Only by seeking out the truth and using her well-established sense of self-reliance is Jane finally able to move forward.

 

I can’t really get much more specific than that because I will reveal important story elements. And while this is not a perfect film, it’s well done and worth the watch, so I don’t want to ruin it for any future viewers.

What is great about this film is the acting. Jane, played by Emma Fitzpatrick, is completely sympathetic, even to those of us who’ve never been the victim of a sexual assault or violent crime. Aside from her instinct to go immediately to social media about everything, my heart was with her all the way. I felt the strain of her relationship with her sister, played by Angela Gulner (who starred in a little-known, awesome indie film called Son of Ghostman); the incredulity of the detective when she went from supportive to hostile; the humiliation of the journalistic ambush on live television. Jane brings the viewer along for the ride on every ugly destination.

The production is top notch. I felt like I was watching a Hollywood blockbuster. Sound, editing, photography; even the CGI used for the shadow creature was completely believable. It helps to have a cadre of great actors, well-developed characters, and a good script. I appreciated the unsanitized elements of what happens after an assault, like the hospital procedures and police questioning. Most of those things are glossed over in tv and movies.

From what I understand, the attack by the shadow creature is supposed to be a metaphor for rape. But let’s be honest here, it’s not that deep of a metaphor. A woman, alone in an alley, is attacked by a stranger. When she ends up in the hospital, she’s covered in bruises, scratches, bite marks, and her lower stomach – you know, right over her womb – has been nearly clawed open. It doesn’t take a huge leap of the intellect to know what’s going on. She’s been raped without saying she’s been raped.

But I understand why they did it this way. Or at least, I think I do. Talking about sexual assault, or any violent crime, makes people uncomfortable. Let’s face it – women have been oppressed, repressed, shamed, blamed, humiliated, victimized, and every other descriptor you can think of for inhumane treatment, for centuries across every culture and society on the planet. I’m sure most women, however, don’t think it will happen to them and most men believe they would never commit such acts. So people just kinda push it to the back burner and don’t talk about it. But…put this in the guise of a horror movie with a supernatural shadow monster and it loosens the lips, so to speak.

I also started looking at the shadow creature as a metaphor, not just for a person but mental illness and its impact on the human condition. It could also be seen as society and how it has treated women until they are worn down into submission, suicide, doubt, weakness, etc. So for me, the supernatural element of the attack is a weaker metaphor than the shadow creature itself.

By the time I got to the end of the movie, I was feeling all kinds of ways. I had questions; I was angry. But you know what I never felt, though? Female empowerment. I have a feeling the film makers wanted that to come across but it either went over my head or focused too much on how everyone was a total fucking asshole, doubting Jane’s story and making her doubt her own experience.

This is what happens in real life, right? Of course it is. Even though Jane survives, perhaps the bleakness of her continued existence is the point, though she’s doing all she can to help herself and others from becoming victims, too. While showing that social media can have positive impacts (Jane can find other women out there to help; she gets useful info on the shadow creature and how to defeat it, etc.), I walked away with the feeling of helplessness; that nothing anyone does or says can change this fucked up way of how women are treated.

I think a big part of that feeling comes from the fact that there are no male characters in this movie. Well, technically there are two: one we only see his back right before Jane has bathroom sex with him and then he’s gone into the ether, and the other is the voice over of the cop conducting Jane’s polygraph test. Removing men from the equation, dismissing they’re conscious or unconscious role in how women are seen and treated in society, is a disservice to their sex and does NOTHING to help women. Absolutely. Nothing. This is the most egregious flaw of this film.

A few years back I watched a YouTube video (sorry, I can’t remember names or channels or anything because my brain retains nothing useful) about a woman who goes to high schools and colleges to talk with young male athletes. She said instead of wagging an accusatory finger at them and screeching “you’re what’s wrong with the world and you should all just go away”, include them in the conversations about rape and violent assaults. If they become more aware of how their actions, or inactions, impact women, as well as develop their sense of empathy (how would you feel if that were your sister, your girlfriend, your mom), perhaps we can change these archaic ideas about women in society, and behave like the evolved species we think we are. I don’t remember if she said that last part – could just be me editorializing.

Overall, this is a well-done film. While I think it failed in some respects, it certainly opens the door for more discourse about societal norms and cultural ideals toward who women are supposed to be, how they should act, and what we can do together to make the world a better place for everyone.

2.75 hatchets (out of 5)

 

 

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Movie Review: "The Killer 4 Pack" (2014; MVD Visual/SGL Entertainment)

...as an ardent and embraced lover of genre films...especially those produced independently, and on nothing less than a shoestring-budget (...I've found that they tend to try harder, aspiring to be something great, despite their limitations), this viewer...every year, about the May time frame...harbors a desire...a dream...a fantasy, to attend the Festival de Cannes, in France, and exclusively, albeit waywardly partake of the genre film offerings, often featured there. Just wander about the film festival, taking in and 'binge-watching' (...man, don't you just love these social 'terms of the moment') the newest of the new, and some often nostalgically celebrated, as far as the realm of horror and dark fantasy, both big-budgeted and micro-budgeted alike...

...alas, this viewer's own financial limitations have, at least for the time being, curbed any possibility of one day attending the internationally renowned film festival (...understandable, as word has it, the cost of attending the yearly fest, is one of those 'ouch' level of expenses...Yikes!!); still, such obstacles hardly gives cause to cease and desist the dream itself. And as amiable consolation and substitute for what cannot be, but might be, one day...well, there's always the much more compact and convenient venue of home video. Browsing the store shelves...or perhaps more succinctly, the item entries listed over at Amazon or Ebay...one cannot help but express a measure of exhaustion, in filtering though the countless multi-movie collections, out there. Public domain trash, side-by-side with mainstream pairings and couplings. Bargain basement bounty...titles, merging over titles, blurring into more and more titles. It would be so easy to miss the occasional jewel, or jewels amongst all of this generic colored glass...tarnished jewels, to be sure, but jewels, nonetheless...

Cinema Head Cheese: Podshort! - The One I Love

Kevin Moyers reviews an interesting love story with a three person cast as well as his new piece of audio equipment.

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Movie Review: The Invoking (2013)

Reviewed By: Jimmy D.

When did horror have to be so dramatic and over-written to be effective? The Invoking is that film that I feel people who love horror, and I mean truly love horror will not get. This film is for those Roger Ebert types or people who are in horror to make a paycheck and have no care or passion about the genre or what they recommend to the people who follow them. The Invoking is a 88 minute film that uses every cliché we have seen in indie films in the last two decades. I am not going to say the film is a total waste, it does have its moments that are quite effective, but I will say what you have to endure to get to those moments is unfair. Unfair especially if you see the cover and the quotes and think this film is going to deliver a satisfying horror experience. The plot is simple enough; you have Sam who along with three of her friends go back to the house she grew up in. When they arrive there, they meet a guy who has been taking care of the house who lives a little past it. This film goes into a realm of what is real or unreal, when Sam starts to see visions and her friends acting odd. We learn as the film goes on that Sam's parents who once lived there were not kind to her, it is like she is watching her friends reenact memories from her childhood.

Movie Review: The Life After Death Project (2013, Yellow Hat Productions)

...funny how the strangest of incidents in one's life, drive one towards the strangest of directions...and in the interim, the determinant wrought of that unswerving drive proves pretty much negligible and unrevealing, albeit resignedly procuring a level of speculation which has long since become 'air of mystery' commonplace amongst those privy of the seemingly paranormal and supernatural 'unexplained'. Point in case: An inexplicable and unexplained ink smudge on a piece of paper...a smudge, blotting out some words, which reportedly was not there, when writer/director Paul Davids place the paper down, and walked away from it, for only a moment. Amusingly enough, given certain parables in this particular incident, Paul eventually concluded that the mysterious paper smudge, considering what the smudge was blotting out, was a 'message' from beyond the grave...from none other than genre philanthropist and once-magazine publisher Forrest J. Ackerman...yes, THE Forrest J. Ackerman, of the renowned horror/sci-fi/fantasy publication, which the more seasoned of us grew up with, namely 'Famous Monsters of Filmland', who regrettably passed away some five years previous. In the end, Paul Davids wound up engaging a pursuant study of the paranormal, porting the resources of experts and celebrities, in a chronicle he would moniker as "The Life After Death Project"...which again, in the final analysis, really doesn't provide any answers, per say...merely, that often explored air of speculation and mystery amongst an exclusive fold of 'believers', with shared experiences in ghostly matters...and at the very least, it proves an arcane glimpse at an endearing look at a famed genre celebrity, who according to those who reportedly bore witness to 'strange, bizarre and inexplicable' incidents, is amusingly guilty of carrying on his trademark impish personality...from beyond the grave...

Movie Review: Airborne (2012)

What could be better than a long flight with Mark Hamill?  Definitely not a movie about a long flight where Mark Hamill is an air traffic controller. This isn't the best way to start a review. I understand that. Listen, I don't like to bash unless something is insulting to watch. By that, I mean that someone either didn't try or didn't care.

Mark Hamill tried. Mark Hamill cared. In some ways, I feel like he's only one of a handful that did. This movie is definitely not on par with one of our favorite Twilight Zone episodes. You know the one. It just isn't. This was supposed to be terrifying, but something just didn't work. Call it lack of talent or lack of story. I call it lack of interest.

Movie Review: Stiffed (2012)

It's always interesting to see genres that cross. The first time I saw gangsters and zombies meshed was the French movie The Horde. I absolutely loved that movie. The way the story shifted was amazing. Stiffed tries to do something similar with some comedy thrown in. It starts in one direction and shifts into horror. It's not a bad attempt, but it still could have used a few things and done without a few others.

The three gangsters in our story are a fat greasy Italian-looking guy, a rich kid preppy type and a Mexican guy who says "homes" way too much. The fat gangster gets involved with a Satanic stripper, and that's when things start to turn for the worse.

Movie Review: Sex, Demons and Death (aka Diabolicamente... Letizia, 1975)

I'm not exactly sure what to think of Sex, Demons and Death. At the start of the movie, a guy that looks like a better looking Mick Jagger talks to his wife over the phone, and you learn that she can't have kids. They decide to let the wife's niece move in as she promised her dead sister that she would take care of the orphan. When the husband, known as the architect, picks up the niece, Letizia, the pervy uncleness begins.

Buy Sex, Demons and Death on DVD