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June 10, 2011

Movie Review: Bloodlock (2010)

Vampires, vampires and more vampires. Brooding and trendy. When can we be done with vampires? They're everywhere, and I want nothing to do with them. It isn't that I never liked vampires. I've just had my fill. They're always the same now. I feel like every one of them stepped out of an episode of 90210. Now, think about all of that, add Blacula's premise with an even worse script, stir, and just leave this out of your Netflix queue.

Buy Bloodlock on DVD

So, here we have a vampire story with some people that buy a house with a crazy vault in the basement. It has an Amish symbol on it, because when I think of provocative horror stories, the Amish are always top of mind. The wife immediately thinks something is in this vault. That comes only seconds after the creepy old neighbors complain that they couldn't get into that basement. The buyers act like they knew nothing about the vault, even thought they state that they knew it was there. Everything is explained to you throughout the movie as though it were stocked with bad Scooby-Doo villains. When the vampire escapes, he's dressed in a t-shirt, a flannel, a long goatee and cool sunglasses. I guess he was only imprisoned since the late 1990s.

They say the film is in the tradition of Salem's Lot. I hope they mean the mini-series from the 1970s, because that sucked too. Just for future reference, "in the tradition of" is actually code for "not at all like" and "this is too shitty to stand on its own merit." I'd love to tell you the pathetic and stupid ending. Not because I want to spoil the movie, but because I know you won't make it that far, and I want to save you some time. I'll tell you what. I'll save you the entire length of the movie. Don't watch it. It sucks dried monkey nuts.

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