Movie Review: Santa With Muscles (1996)

Welcome to the first annual, Cinema Head Cheese Presents: The David Hayes 12 Days of Christmas Crap Review-a-Palooza! All right, Cheesers, the plan is for me to write a hilarious review of a horrible holiday movie every day for the next 12 days. We’ll see how well this works, my eyes and ears may look like a bowl of figgy pudding by the end of this, but the plan is in motion and there is no better way to kick this off than with the 24 inch pythons, brother!

On the first day of Christmas, the Head Cheese gave to me… douchebaggery.

I still don’t know how someone thought this was a good idea. There had to have been an investor to put up the millions of dollars that it took to make this. There then had to be a writer to buy into the idea. A director would then sign on. Finally, this movie signed itself a star. A great big star. A star whose light burned so brightly that not even blind people are safe from this film. Of course, I’m speaking of the former WWF World Heavyweight Champion, slammer of giants, father of the incomparably untalented Brooke Hogan and facilitator of underage drunk driving accidents. That’s right, folks, the producers of Santa With Muscles got themselves a real live superstar. The orange golem himself, Hulk Hogan.

Buy Santa With Muscles on DVD!

Movie Review: Killer Eye: Halloween Haunt (2011, Full Moon)

Directed by Charles Band

Starring Erica Rhodes, Olivia Alexander and Chelsea Edmundson

Back in 1999, Full Moon Entertainment and director David DeCoteau produced a strange little horror flick about an extra-dimensional entity that enters our world by infesting the eye of a voyeuristic scientist. Naturally the infested eye grows to enormous size, detaches itself from the body of its victim and goes on a rampage. The film was called The Killer Eye. Now the Eyeball's back in Killer Eye: Halloween Haunt.

Buy Killer Eye: Halloween Haunt on DVD or Watch It Instantly

Movie Review: The Image (akaThe Punishment of Anne aka The Mistress and the Slave, 1975)

Reviewed By Travis G.

As soon as this DVD arrived in the mail I had two very different opinions of THE IMAGE from two different friends on the same day. I had one friend tell me it was boring and some what tedious and as he put it “Bleah”. My other friend has it at number 5 in his top 30 favorite classic porn films by saying "Metzger’s top-notch career was topped by this erotic ball-drainer."

Buy The Image on Blu-ray or DVD

Cinema Head Cheese: The Podcast! #24 - Jeffy Goes to Hollywood

Jeff takes a different turn this week and heads into some mainstream comedies. He talks about Super, The Change-Up and Our Idiot Brother.

Kevin digs straight into horror with Insidious, Peeping Blog and Bite Marks.

The duo professes their love for Magnet Releasing and dives into the Korean revenge film I Saw the Devil.

Jeff's Blue Cheese segment involves the classic parody The Texas Dildo Masquerade. A slight technical malfunction then disrupts his look at the latest release of Tinto Brass' Monamour and Kick the Cock.

Click here to listen or right click and choose "Save Link As..." to download.

Click on any of the links above to purchase at Amazon.com and support Cinema Head Cheese and Abnormal Entertainment!

Movie Review: Lust For Vengeance (2001)

Directed by Sean Weathers

Starring Jeff Roches, Carlito Rivera, Glenn Skeete and Michelle Soto

Reviewed By Kenny Barnwell

Plot~ Lust for Vengeance was inspired by the Italian thrillers of the 60's known as Giallo films, combining murder, soft-core porn and mystery along with trippy visual effects. As the legend goes, these movies inspired the first American slasher films of the 70's and according to director Sean Weathers this is the first and only Giallo movie ever made in the U.S. Weathers locked himself in a room for over a month watching over 100 Italian thrillers for the inspiration for this film.

Buy Lust For Vengeance (10th Anniversary Explicit Version) on DVD

Movie Review: Peeping Blog (2011)

I have to do this. I know, it's going to be tough, but I have to. I'm officially breaking up with Creep Creepersin movies. We had our fun. Well, we tried to have some fun. I really wanted to root for the guy after I saw He, but I just can't anymore. This will be my final Creep Creepersin review. It's time for me to leave this abusive relationship.

I've seen lazy filmmaking many times, but this is just awful. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING happened in this entire movie. Creep, please stop it. I don't need to watch you drive for twenty minutes. I don't need to watch you cook and eat a Hot Pocket. I don't need to listen to you breathing. You took what movies like Skew do so well and you crapped on it.

I didn't get a full movie, so it doesn't get a full review from me. I even refuse to post an Amazon link, if it even exists. I don't want to be responsible for the sale of even one of these DVDs.

Movie Review: 36th Precinct (2004, aka 36 Quai des Orfèvres)

Directed by Olivier Marchal

Reviewed by Greg Goodsell

When the craggy senior officer of the Parisian 36th Precinct announces his retirement, his fellow coppers, a rambunctious lot, throw him a suitably party. Chief among the celebrants is a fat, hairy officer dressed as a belly dancer for the evening's debauched entertainment. When rats are spotted creeping about the shelves of liquor at the dive bar rented out for the festivities, the drunken gendarmes shoot at them with live ammunition.

Buy 36th Precinct Blu-ray or DVD or Watch It Instantly

Movie Review: Demon Divas and The Lanes of Damnation (Happy Cloud Pictures, 2010)

Reviewed by Kenny Barnwell

Written and Directed by Mike Watt

Starring Nikki McCrea, Sofiya Smirnova and a bunch of other people who will probably thank me for not mentioning their names in the review.

Plot~ 2 nerdy college girls work in a bowling alley that happens to be owned by 5 girls who happen to be.....Demon Divas. The nerdy girls are constantly picked on by a group of mean sorority chicks. Lisa (Nikki McCrea) has the hots for Johnny (Aaron Bernard) while her roomate Taffy (Sofiya Smirnova) just wants to be part of the sorority. Sorority girl Rochelle (Stephanie Bertoni) want Johnny for herself.

Buy Demon Divas on DVD or Watch It Instantly

"Gurozuka" Coming Soon From Synapse Films!

GUROZUKA

A terrifying horror film in the tradition of THE RING and SCREAM!

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A fun getaway turns into a journey to Hell for some unlucky teenage girls visiting an isolated house to rehearse and perform a play for their private movie club. Taking the trip with an adult chaperone, the girls learn that a previous club member supposedly went missing in the house, and another went insane! Shortly after they arrive, a mysterious videotape is found with footage of a violent killer wearing a Japanese 'deigan' mask. Is this footage faked—or real? Soon the girls' food and equipment disappear, and one of the girls is hauned by ghostly visions of the masked demon. Someone–or something–is in the house, and gruesome death awaits those who cannot escape! 

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Synapse Films presents Yôichi Nishiyama's GUROZUKA, a stylized horror film in the J-Horror tradition of the genre-bending Japanese classic,
THE RING, and the frightful ferver of SCREAM.

Buy Gurozuka on DVD
 

Special Features:

• The Making of GUROZUKA – Featurette
• Original Trailer

Disc Info:

Director: Yôichi Nishiyama
Starring: Nozomi Andô, Yukari Fukui, and Yûko Itô
Run Time: 85 minutes
Release Date: January 10, 2012
Language: Japanese Language / 2.0 Stereo
Subtitles: English
Aspect Ratio: Anamorphic widescreen (1.85:1)
Format: DVD
Region: Region 1

Price: $24.95

Synapse Films

Insidious (2011)

I heard a lot of oohing and aahing about Insidious when it came out. People said it was scary and creepy. I didn't hear much on the specifics of it, but the reactions I saw were enough to get me interested. When is showed up on Netflix streaming, I decided to take a look. I'm still not sure what all the hype was about.

Buy Insidious Blu-ray or DVD

The story follows a family as they move into a new house. One of the kids has an accident, and he ends up in a coma. The problem is that the coma has nothing to do with the fall, and doctors are baffled. As time goes by, the matriarch of the family starts to see things. Some of these things are quick and subtle, but they begin to build into full on spirits. It has a good build to it, but then it all goes to hell.

Movie Review: Our Idiot Brother (2011, Blu-ray)

I’ve grown to really like Paul Rudd. Throughout his career he’s been especially good in supporting roles in films like 40 Year-Old Virgin, Knocked-Up and Clueless.  Rudd’s resume shows numerous solid comedic performances where he’s played second fiddle or third wheel to Steve Carell, Seth Rogen and Will Ferrell. In last year’s awful Dinner for Schmucks, Rudd stars alongside Carell yet again playing the “straight guy” while Steve Carell brings out in his inner moron. Jesse Peretz’s Our Idiot Brother is Rudd’s most recent comedy vehicle, except this time around - he’s the “schmuck”.

Buy Our Idiot Brother Blu-ray or DVD

Movie Review: Kidnapped (2011, MPI/IFC Midnight)

Directed by Miguel Angel Vivas

Reviewed by Greg Goodsell


The pre-credits sequence is horrifying and relentless. An upper middle-class Spanish man is seen with a bag over his head, his hands tied behind his back as he struggles for air. In one continuous take, he manages to get to his feet, and begins walking around what is presumed to be an outdoor rest area by the side of a highway. Breathing loudly, he manages to stumble to the road where he is narrowly missed by a speeding vehicle – and is then promptly struck down by another. Our hero's predicament (Fernando Cayo) only gets worse from there – in a sequence that has absolutely no bearing on the film that is about to follow!

Buy Kidnapped on DVD

Cinema Head Cheese: The Podcast! #23 - Oh Hi, Denny!

This week, Jeff and Kevin introduce a Q&A session shot by CHC filmographer Mike Heenan.

The Q&A happened before a screening of the cult hit The Room, and it featured co-stars Juliette Danielle (Lisa) and Philip Haldiman (Denny).

Good times and plenty of laughs were had in this very candid conversation.

Click here to listen or right click and choose "Save Link As..." to download.

Click on any of the links above to purchase at Amazon.com and support Cinema Head Cheese and Abnormal Entertainment!

Movie Review: Carjacked (Blu-ray, 2011)

From the appearance of the cover, John Bonito’s thriller Carjacked looks like another thriller in the mold of some of the more effective auto themed suspense films like The Hitcher, Race with the Devil, Joyride and Duel - to name a few. Looks can be deceiving though.

Buy Carjacked Blu-ray or DVD

Maria Bello (A History of Violence) plays Lorraine, an abuse survivor, currently going through counseling, trying to put the pieces back together in her life – minus her violent husband. The number one thing in her life like most parents is her son so she’s determined to make things work. One night Lorraine and her son are out at the local mini-mart grabbing pizza rolls - among other assorted items - when they are joined at gun-point by Roy the bank-robber (Played by Stephen Dorf, Blade, The Gate).

Strip Nude for Your Killer coming to Blu-ray from Blue Underground March 27, 2012

The stunning Edwige Fenech (THE CASE OF THE BLOODY IRIS, THE STRANGE VICE OF MRS. WARDH) stars in this infamous shocker that packs more grisly violence and sexual depravity into each frame than most any other film in the entire giallo genre. There’s succulent flesh aplenty as a mysterious killer dressed in black leather and wearing a motorcycle helmet begins butchering beautiful young fashion models with no mercy and one deranged request: STRIP NUDE FOR YOUR KILLER!

Nino Castelnuovo (THE UMBRELLAS OF CHERBOURG) and Femi Benussi (HATCHET FOR THE HONEYMOON) co-star in this sleazy ‘70s classic directed by Andrea Bianchi (BURIAL GROUND, MALABIMBA), now presented in a brand-new High Definition transfer from the original uncut and uncensored camera negative!

You can also buy Strip Nude for Your Killer on DVD!

"Nude Nuns With Big Guns" Blast Their Way On to DVD and Blu-ray This Valentine's Day!

THEY’RE WEARING HABITS

AND PACKING HEAT!

IMAGE ENTERTAINMENT PRESENTS

NUDE NUNS WITH BIG GUNS

Locked And Loaded on Blu-ray™ and DVD on February 14, 2012

Chatsworth, CA – The convent: a place of peace and quiet, a retreat for the cultivation of spirituality. Hardly the backdrop for criminality, abuse – and revenge! On February 14, 2012, Image Entertainment presents Nude Nuns with Big Guns – a story of good vs. evil; of a war fought in the most unlikely of places. An epic adventure in the grindhouse tradition, Nude Nuns with Big Guns will be available on DVD for an MSRP of $27.97 and on Blu-ray™ for an MSRP of $29.97. Pre-book is January 17, 2012.


Buy Nude Nuns with Big Guns Blu-ray and DVD

Eats & Drinks Review: Mountain Dew Game Fuel: Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3

With the excitement over the newest Call of Duty release, one of the attached promotional items seems to have been swept under the rug. I'm not a big gamer, and the only live television I usually watch is football, so I also tend to miss out on commercials. I don't know if this was ever advertised, but I ran across two new Mountain Dew flavors created for MW3 fans. These aren't the first in the Game Fuel series. Mountain Dew created two flavors dedicated to World of Warcraft awhile back, and those were pretty good. With the addition of new flavors so frequently, it can be hard to keep track of the Mountain Dew line.

Movie Review: Anarchy In (Ja)Panty (1999, Pink Eiga)

Reviewed by Travis G.

Don’t know what happened but for some reason this little film was released by PINK EIGA under the radar,or atleast mine. I was over at my friend Robin Bougie’s (of CINEMA SEWER fame) checking out the recent acquisitions on his DVD shelf of filth and saw some PINK EIGA titles that included ANARCHY IN J(JA)PANTY.

Buy Anarchy in (Ja)Panty on DVD

On his way to being an award -winning director, Takahisa Zeze has brought us ANARCHY IN (JA)PANTY. A young woman named Mizuku discovers she is infertile and therefore unable to have kids. However one day her luck changes when she comes upon an unattended kid abandoned by his parents while they’re screwing, and decides to kidnap the kid an raise it as her own. Now all Mizuki needs in her life is a man. Low and behold Tatsutoshi enters her life and and her happy new family is complete..or is it?

Movie Review:The Dead And The Damned (Mattai Borrani Productions, 2010)

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The Very Best Of Ron Jeremy: "Tales Of The Hedgehog" Wiggles Its Way On To DVD November 21st!!

For more information and how to get your own copy before the holiday season head on over to the Video-X-Pix website.